My life right now

Hey all

Sorry that I have been so absent lately there has been a couple things going on that I’m really stressed about and been busy doing, so let me fill you in on what’s been happening.

First up I have entered in the art competition in my town which I have been procrastinating/working so hard on. To give you a general idea it’s on A3 piece of white paper and I have drawn a person with a shocked expression on their face and behind them is a brain that’s zoomed up on showing different types of mental disorders. I originally did this in my year 11 art class and I was so proud of my work I thought I would try it again but gain recognition for it. I haven’t entered the grand prize, if you win you receive 20k and other prizes are $1000 I’m selling my work for $250 (from memory).

I’m very excited for this, the due date is next month so I will keep you updated on how I go.

Next thing is friends, recently I have found these two girls who are awsome and have my whole heart. We go on car rides screaming out sad songs, vibe, and get so many frozen cokes. Our friendship is only new but us three get along so well our personalities just fit together like a puzzle piece (so cliche i know) but that’s how I feel. For a while now I been trying so hard to make friends try and hang out with them but nothing really happened. One of these girls start to message me and not even a week later I meet her other friend and now we all talk every night. Nothing was forced, we laugh all the time (besides when we’re sad) and it’s just what I’ve been needing.

⚠️warning next paragraph I talk about periods and blood.

Lastly I have surgery next week monday and I am so scared. For 4 years now I’ve been having such trouble with my period. At first it was irregular not that painful but it was ok. 6 months go by and I start to have the really bad period cramps, my mum explained to me how she used to be like that too so I thought it was normal. I go to the doctors and got the contraceptive pill to help my pain but no matter which type I took I had terrible reactions. I have hives all up my arms, rashes around my chest, and a bit of both around my neck. So I stopped taking them.

But it only got worse.

After school I had choir or other activities so I would have to wait out front to get picked up, most of the time I could barely stand, my body was so weak I was constantly faint and nauseated at times I had to stay I home all I could do was scream in pain. The only thing is that the pain wasn’t the problem, it was also the amount of blood that was passing. A normal period last about 7-10 days right? well mine would last up to 5-9 weeks straight then I would have about a 3 day-1 week of nothing, but then I’ll start bleeding again. I couldn’t take it I had been to the doctors but they said nothing was wrong but I knew something was so I kept going back. They said it was an anaemic thing (a condition in which there is a deficiency of red cells or of haemoglobin in the blood, resulting in pallor and weariness).

I started taking iron supplements which worked well for my coldsores but that’s not what it was meant for. I ended up going to the hospital to get the rod implant in my arm which is another contraceptive but that didn’t work either. The doctors then told me I have a high chance of having endometriosis (A disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.With endometriosis, the tissue can be found on the ovaries, fallopian tubes or the intestines). I’ve heard about this before but I would never think I could possibly have this.

I’ve been up all night thinking, crying, tossing and turning.

‘I want to have my own children… but what if that’s not possible now?’

‘Will my boyfriend now leave me because I may not be able to produce children?’

‘How long do I have to suffer from this pain for?’

‘What if nothing is wrong with me and I just waisted everyone’s time with my pain?’

There’s so many more things I over think about but these are my main 4. I can’t stop it my anxiety has been let lose I haven’t been able to sleep and when I do I don’t remeber actually falling asleep, I pass out from exhaustion, my face littered in coldsores I can’t contain the spreading. 5 days left I don’t know how much longer I can be like this, I have so many questions that need answering, my patience is no longer with me I need to know what I have to deal with now.

Again I’m so sorry for being inactive, once my surgery is done I’ll try my best to come back and have a routine. As always I’ll keep you updated on everything.

Image is from Pinterest, the website is https://goldgirlsdiary.wordpress.com/2020/08/30/fotos-naturales-que-te-tendrian-que-hacer-sin-avisar/amp/

Hope you’re all having a wonderful day where ever you are.

Stay safe x

Seasonal Depression?

Has anyone else been feeling tired? not just needing to go to bed and falling alseep tired but everything you need to do tired.

It’s been a struggle for a week now going to sleep at 3 or 4am and then oversleeping till 2 or 3pm then only getting out of bed for food or to go toliet.

Getting out of bed and being awake is so exhausting. The brain functioning and doing it’s normal job it’s like you’ve just tan a marathon even though you’ve just woken up.

I tend not to eat during this time. It’s either because I actually forgot or I wake up to late that I only have dinner and that’s my only meal. I don’t mean to starve myself I can’t help it, food is just not on the important list for when I’m awake.

It is winter here in Australia so it’s going to be more difficult to get out of bed that it already is. Even though the cold and rain is the best part of it all, the worst thing is that it’s the biggest excuse to be in bed.

Getting up to make a coffee or hot chocolate then returning back to bed under the warm blankets giving the comforting hug you’ve always wanted, laying down watching a movie and watching your phone.

Sounds ideal!

For me it’s the worst.

I already struggle getting out of bed, having to go out or simply just walking out of my room. That sense of comfort is like a black heavy weighted blanket. At first it’s nice and relaxing but soon turns into a cage. If I leave the anxiety, the paranoia kicks in. “what is out there?” “what is someone is watching me?”

But during this time the overthinking kicks in “my face is too round,” “I don’t look pretty enough,” it’s a never ending cycle and it only gets worse. You could call this seasonal depression, I deal with this everyday no matter the time or season it just so happens to worsen throughout this time.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have a job, no friends to hang out with, and it’s cold so I don’t want to be outside. I try my best to go out and not make the excuse of being busy (I may not look busy, but my mind is in overdrive).

The image is from Pinterest

Wattpad

Hey all,

I’ve decided to post my full story on wattpad, thank you for the two people who convinced me too they know who they are 😉.

So if you’re interested I will be posting weekly! starting from next week. I haven’t chosen which day since I may be getting a Job soon my routine will be based around my schedule.

Follow @SimplyMessyMind or my story is called ‘The Castles Unspoken Secrets’

If you don’t know what it is about I would recommend finding my two other posts, they are simplified versions of what’s in the chapters. Otherwise here’s the blurb.

From supernatural to love this story follows a girl named Ivory Shaw, who has lost her parents and can no longer stay with her aunty. Arriving at her new boarding school, with new friends and a potential love interest, Ivory won’t be able to tell what is real anymore.

Thank you!!!

if you have any questions follow my socials or email me

Snapchat: amazingemma48

Instagram: simplymessymind

email: emma@simplymessymind.com

The Castles Unspoken Secrets 🏰

A story in the making, created by me. This chapter is called Carriage

I place myself in chair 24, almost identical to the rest on this train but mine was lose. It squeaks like a mouse caught in a trap. As i settle myself down I hear a man asking for help, I perk my head up and leaned over to see if he was ok. No one was helping, not even acknowledging his existence right infront of them.

I stopped what ever I was doing to create my comfort and got up to help the man. Due to my analysis of him he looks to be in his late 40’s early 50’s, he was tall with very broad shoulders, his hair softly spiked up, out of his face with a silver tint. His eyes were hazel, mainly a light brown but with specks of emerald green.

I approached this man kindly “would you like me to help you sir?” I reach my hand out for his ticked to see if I could find his seat. His eyes admired me, his smirk of thanks spoke with out moving his lips. The man hands me his ticked “oh seat 33 that’s two rows behind mine!”

The man places his bag down in his seat and turns to me and said “thank you,” I nodded and I walk back to my seat a voice so rich and jovial was no more. He grabbed my arm so tight his nails could’ve carved into my bone “I said thank you,” He pulls me back towards him his voice now inhumane, a hybrid of human and animal. His eyes were not longer admiring me, pupils so small he could’ve been looking directly into the sun, the colour had changed to copper gold. The mans smile was no longer there, his mouth half open, his teeth enlarged.

I started to panic, I tried to mask it so he wouldn’t notice, my heart pounding so fast it starts to ache, my hands and feet creating puddles within themselves. The man had a strong grip, ‘will he let me go?’ I question myself. Thoughts going faster than a bullet train one after the other. I yanked my arm and dashed into my seat.

Letting out my breaths into the cold train air I had to take a moment to rethink what had happened, if it happened!? I look at my arm. No markings but it hurt as if it did. I had to look back, what if i quickly took a nap and that was a dream. It definitely was not a dream. I peaked my head between the two chairs.

Those eyes sharpened, looking at me like I was his prey. He saw not a soul but an opportunity, and my question was ‘his opportunity for what?’ My head throbs, pulsing so strongly i start to feel my own blood flow throughout my body, his stare made me weak, made me anxious. I aggressively blink more than the average person should, my vision was blurry and circling. I could only just make out the drooling dripping from his lower lip, foam forming from his mouth, his teeth structure could almost be identical to a dogs.

I ended up passing out as the train jerked itself awake, it was all too much. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened but it wasn’t normal. My panic attack was so strong I collapsed in my chair.

Life update

I’ve been super busy, but at the same time I haven’t been doing anything.

There’s not a lot of creativity flowing through me to write, but I have so much to say. It’s even worse when I have to speak and write so carefully that no explosions of emotions come hitting me all at once by various people.

Although I have entered into an art competition… so that’s exciting, the piece I am drawing I did a couple of years ago but school doesn’t have it anymore so I think it’s a good time to grab some paper going back to my roots and draw.

I have also been given loads of opportunities to become an ambassador for over 9 companies, they vary from clothing, sunglasses, jewellery to bathbooms. I have accepted to as many as I can If you’d like to see or know more follow my instagram @emma.schimanski or my snapchat @amazingemma48.

I’ve also been house sitting for my mum which has been nice, she has a cat called Caius and a dog named Nala. They are both super cuddly and affectionate. Which I struggle with considering I’m allergic to both (dogs more than cats) but I miss my cat Fifi terribly. I think this is the longest I haven’t seen her.

Sorry for not uploading as much I’ve been busy doing everything and nothing for the past couple of weeks. I’ll update you on my artwork, or possibly write a scene from a story.

My question for you today is:

how has your week been?

Tarot

what is it?

The tarot is a pack of playing cards, used from the mid-15th century in various parts of Europe to play, such as Italian Tarocchini, French Tarot and Austrian Königeufen, many which are still played today.

I’ve recently bought my own deck of tarot cards, The Antique Anatomy Tarot. It gives off very victorian era vibes, with its unique picture designs and colours. Each card has its own meaning, by shuffling and pulling out a couple of cards you can give a message (reading). obviously it’s a bit more complicated than that.

Since I know very little about tarot, over the past couple of days Ive put a lot of energy into writing down notes and learning about it. Today I was shuffling the deck, just simply putting my energy into the cards. As I was doing that a card fell out. It was 8 of coins (pentacles) upright. Meaning: ‘you are working hard to improve your skills and become a master at what you do, and now you are applying sheer determination and concentration to master the new skill you are learning.’

I know…

Coincidence or not that singular card fell on my lap (literally). I’ve always wanted to be able to give readings or just connect closer to spirituality. As well I know crystals are also a good step to take, especially since I want to start my journey as a baby witch.

Now at this point you are either reading this thinking ‘wow she’s crazy, what drugs is she on’ or ‘ooo I want to learn more, and joing her journey.’ Simply either interesting or not. But I am starting a new journey, and I’m so excited to share anything I experience.

The Antique Anatomy Tarot, I got off of Esty, by Suzanne.

My question for you is: Are you more religious or spiritual?

Story By Image

Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to pick out a picture out from my search on safari ‘Photo prompt for writing’. The Image shown above was the one he chose so here is what I wrote. I did no drafts or planning I just wrote the first thing that came in mind.

Comfort In The Storm

It is my time. The fog comforts me, hugging me like it knew. I hold myself as the famous Henry Purcell – Dido’s Lament plays in my head. The song takes control as I roll my head to each beat, my neck and shoulders support me.

The air is damp, cold. Today the clouds sit upon the earth, as if they decided that the heavens were down here instead. The trees are veiled in the lightest of mist, their trunks sombre brown with sable cracks that gnarl the bark. As my eye travels to the edge of the woodland the trees become silhouettes against a blanket of white, as if it is only daylight where I stand, as if I am encircled by twilight.

If I lived any place other than right here, I would pine for these evergreen hills, this forest that has become a vital part of my soul. The pine forest has a time-machine aroma, everyday of the year, it is the very ether of my memories. The pine forest is a home to so many souls of creation and I feel so blessed to hear my heart beat among theirs.

I never let myself see my own fear, for it was ever a disadvantage in the place that I was raised. To cry was to be beaten and scoled. If I cried I’d be “given something to cry about.” The act of crying for my own pain was literally beaten out of me. Suppressed completely. Now decades later, it still is, yet channelled into my creativity, a sort of unwitting energy booster. What I cannot suppress though are these shivers that say I am afraid.

In that shiver was a moment of truth, a story of these emotions that no mask could ever hide.

I’ve always loved the thunder storms. I’ve always loved storm-could-grey. To see them swirling one last time in the heavens, brings a kind of inner glee. I reached up, bringing down a handful of that cosmic swirl, if I could make a fabric from it that was ever-changing as the sky above is right now, I’d wear it forever.

As the infinity cloud swirl levitates from my hand over my head, I feel it. The heavens. The clouds were a kind of grey that would make any quarry rock proud, as if they were so pleased beneath my feet, hidden between the grass they echo the earth. All of the grey, all that swirling, my vision became a blur, but I trusted this storm to take me where I need to go. The condensation was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Comment your thoughts 🙂

Mental Health Part 5

Body Image

I always look at the girl in the mirror. I stare for too long that her face is distorted, her body so large on some parts others looks too small. She looks wrong. I rub my eyes only to look back now noticing every flaw she has. One eye is bigger than the other, her forehead is too big, now it’s too small, her calf muscles are bigger than her thighs. I jump on the scales 62.7kg I take a step back. Surely not, I step back on putting the weight on different parts of ky body sucking in my stomach to see 61.9kg… it’s better but it’s not good enough.

Growing up as a female I have found it so difficult to fit the beauty standards that at this point, I’ve just started to make fun of myself just to cope. One moment to look beautiful I need to have curves a big butt, big boobs, and tiny waist and legs. That night it could all change. Now i need to be flat chested, long legs, flat stomach. How am I supposed to love myself, when I’m constantly being watched my not only the media but everyone around me? How am I supposed to look at myself thinking “I am enough.”

It wasn’t until my younger teenage years that I started to look at myself differently. That in order to have friends, to have boys to like you back was to be pretty, was to be what everyone else wants you to be. I was made fun of, touched, and horribly describes all because of my looks. My body.

It hasn’t been till recently where I have felt comfortable within myself, not pressured by the peers at school, not to dress and look a certain way around family. I can finally breath. But All of that truma will forever sick with me, I will always have bad days some worse than others, I will always have the running voices in my head.

I will always seem narcissistic only because I am constantly looking at myself. To see if that distorted girl is looking back. To see if I can finally see who I am without the smudges and blurs. I still don’t know what I look like and maybe I’ll never find out.

I found the image on Pinterest I forgot who by.

My question to you is:

What is your favourite place to shop at? (can be in person or online)

Follow my socials for updates or to chat

Snapchat: amazingemma48

Instagram: simplymessymind

Wattpad: SimplyMessyMind

Email: emma@simplymessymind.com

Mental Health Part 4

Eating Disorder

It’s terrifying, not only to look at, but to be trapped by it.

Living with my dad I never really had nutritious foods, or anything that’ll keep a child interested in having food. Being in a blended family is hard enough. What’s even worse is boundaries with food.

Growing up my brother and I had a rule that school snacks should only last us a week and if we ate everything before the next shop we wouldn’t have any food.

Solid rule if I don’t say so myself. But having another family not following that rule getting food handed to them left right and center and only them, it was unfair.

My dad was not a cook and he never made the effort to, so our week of dinner foods were:

  • Monday- Ravioli
  • Tuesday- Tacos
  • Wednesday- Spaghetti Bolognese
  • Thursday- Take away night
  • Friday- Burgers
  • Saturday- Fried rice
  • Sunday- Sausages

over 4 years having these means every week I stopped eating dinner. I was never a breakfast person, in fact I’m still not. eventually all the school snacks were eaten in the house (not like we got anything good). So eventually I stopped eating not because I wanted to my body refused to have the same foods over and over again.

The only thing I was eating were watermelon flavoured chewing gum, and anything I could get off friends at school. I hated eating at school, my anxiety was so bad I would refuse to eat.

This was when i was 12-15. I chose to stay at my dads permanently but I couldn’t deal with being like this. I was sick everyday, so brittle, so fragile, I was sick every morning I couldn’t stomach anything down. So I decided to see my mum every second weekend.

This all came to an end when my dad kicked me out of home and I started living with my mum.

Another thing was body issues, I hated eating when I lived at my mums. There is one thing I’ll never forget that my mum once said to me. I tried on my dress for my year 12 ball dance we call a social, I already hated the dress but I walked out of my room, and showed my mum and she said “you might need to lose a little bit of weight around your stomach.” I kept my cool until i shut my door behind me in my room.

I didn’t want to eat anything and when I did I over ate. I was made fun of when I did exercise, I found it difficult because of my abnormal heart beat which effected my breathing and over all fitness. No one understood and it’s a family inside “joke” that I hate sports. I actually would love to get back into doing sports but I can’t I end up not breathing.

I still struggle till this day with eating. At times I will wake up in the evening and sleep all day just so I can skip meals. I have gotten a lot better than where I was 6 years ago.

Photo was found on Pinterest by flickr.com

My question for you is: “what is your favourite food/meal?”

Shifting

Ok hear me out… SHIFTING!

When you think about it, how mind blowing it is to be in a dream like sate but living in a different reality.

For those who don’t know what Shifting is, let me give you a run down.

So shifting (aka reality shifting) is shifting your consciousness from your current reality (CR) to another reality, typically your desired reality (DR).

This includes lots of practice and patience, as all of your senses including your 5 main ones will be activated in your DR.

Now reading that some of you will think I’m crazy or I’m into some spiritual stuff. Well your not wrong but there’s also a 29 paged document by the United States of America, Department of the Army, proving that shifting realities is real. I have not personally read the document only because I can’t read well but for the logical thinkers out there, that need evidence about it, just search up government document on reality shifting and hopefully you will believe (if not then that’s alright just don’t put others down or make them feel like they shouldn’t be listened to).

I came across desired reality shifting on Tiktok one day, and to be honest I thought it was bullshit too. Until I finally gave in. I saw people talk about what it was like at Hogwarts, Narnia even with the Avengers. They made tiktoks about their conversations and interactions with all the different people. I couldn’t resist. I had to at least try.

With shifting there’s all sorts of methods to use. From a simple meditation to completely relax your body and mind to going to sleep with imagery and the sensation that you are there.

The most common one everyone talks about is the raven method. This method you count to or down from 100 and while you do that you say your affirmations.

Affirmations are basically your motivators. You say these things to yourself, for example:

  1. I am successfully shifting
  2. I have the ability to shift
  3. I give my consciousness permission to shift successfully
  4. I can shift

That’s a very small example but as you repeat these (not I should be shifting, I CAN/AM SHIFT/ING) you will somewhat trick your consciousness into thinking that you have done it before, or it is possible (which it is).

Personally I do my own method, I got a bit from the Julia method. I lay on my back for about 5 minutes as I just let my mind wonder, crack all my knuckles and feel relaxed. After the 5 minutes I have to resist any itchiness, I go over my body starting from my toes telling myself “are my toes relaxed,” when I feel they are I move onto my feet asking the same question. I go all the way up my body right to my forehead and I lay there for another 1-2 minutes. At this point I try and focus my mind and not let it wonder and if it does I slowly change it to where I want to shift to or acknowledge the thought and let it pass. I then proceed to the affirmations, (I say them slowly).

With this, my own method I have felt symptoms.

When I say symptoms I mean twitching, itchiness, a floating or hovering sensation, room spinning or feeling like I am falling. The closest I have gotten was I was floating up and a same likeness feeling of fainting, while my eyes were closed I felt a fuzziness close in and I could see a face only across the eyes so clear. But I suddenly realise what was happening and I stared to have a panic attack so I had to stop.

Shifting can take up from weeks to months, unless you’re lucky and get it on the first couple of tries.

I’ve only been trying for a couple of months now but I have been so close it’s exciting I want to try every night (NOTE: don’t try every night you will only exhaust yourself even more making you less likely to achieve your shifting).

When I do shift best believe you will hear from me the moment I come back to my CR.

Image was found on Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is: have you heard of shifting if so where would you like to shift?