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Sorry for not posting for the past week.

I have been super busy just with general life things, in a couple of weeks I’m getting new lot of medication, just to improve my sleep more. I apparently have night terrors (I’ll write about it in a couple of weeks).

As well as working a couple days a week, it has been making me tired but not exhausted.

It was my 2 year anniversary last week monday which is the main reason why I didn’t post. I got him a couple of presents, like a speaker, note books, own little grooming kit. There was more but I can’t remeber the rest. I got to spend $100 at kmart! after that we had Nandos at around 4pm then later on after a movie or two we got Maccas (Mcdonald’s) at around 9:30pm.

I also have the Art Exhibition Launch on friday which I’m super excited about, they will announce the winner as well. I’m mostly excited about dressing up since it’s a cocktail event.

I probably won’t post till the end of this month, just because I am tired and I have so much going on this month as well.

Image was found on Pinterest

Question of the day: what is you’re favourite season?

Mines winter

I have survived

I don’t know about you but it certainly has been a crazy week for me.

my surgery went well and I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, which pains me so much. Now i have answers and instead of putting everything on hold not knowing why i’m in a great deal of pain I can now be treated.

Although during the week not even 48 hours after my surgery I ended back up in hospital at 11pm I did a pee test and the doctors ran a blood test, everything seemed normal but the urine test came back and said I had an infection …

Like, what!

I was prescribed some medication and went home at 3am only to go back for an ultrasound at 11:30am, it was a lot but I did it. I continued crying in pain for several days. Turns out I just needed to move my bowels haha. After I did so I felt like a new woman, I could move and not walk around looking like I was a pregnant lady. But hey if I didn’t go back up to the hospital they wouldn’t have found the infection.

Another update I have a new job!!

I am a cleaning lady at a lodge. Now you’re probably thinking ‘cleaning lady? how low in life are you in to be a cleaning lady?’ well actually after being in retail my whole working life I did a training day before my surgery and I loved it, the people there are super friendly, I’m not forced to interact or to talk to anyone. It is quite an independent job you just get there and do what you need to do! (surprisingly it pays really well too).

As for my art it is now due in 10 days and I’m no where close to finishing nor do I have everything I need to finish it. I still need A2 black paper and a frame. I keep panicking about this project making me procrastinate. Hopefully I’ll be close to finishing by the end of the week!

I’m back now! So if you’d like to chat follow and message my instagram @simplymessymind or email me at emma@simplymessymind.com

Question of the day is: do you prefer to be outside or inside and why?

I got the picture off of Pinterest, from the website http://www.fosterthefamilyblog.com/foster-the-family-blog-1/this-day-was-the-worst

Seasonal Depression?

Has anyone else been feeling tired? not just needing to go to bed and falling alseep tired but everything you need to do tired.

It’s been a struggle for a week now going to sleep at 3 or 4am and then oversleeping till 2 or 3pm then only getting out of bed for food or to go toliet.

Getting out of bed and being awake is so exhausting. The brain functioning and doing it’s normal job it’s like you’ve just tan a marathon even though you’ve just woken up.

I tend not to eat during this time. It’s either because I actually forgot or I wake up to late that I only have dinner and that’s my only meal. I don’t mean to starve myself I can’t help it, food is just not on the important list for when I’m awake.

It is winter here in Australia so it’s going to be more difficult to get out of bed that it already is. Even though the cold and rain is the best part of it all, the worst thing is that it’s the biggest excuse to be in bed.

Getting up to make a coffee or hot chocolate then returning back to bed under the warm blankets giving the comforting hug you’ve always wanted, laying down watching a movie and watching your phone.

Sounds ideal!

For me it’s the worst.

I already struggle getting out of bed, having to go out or simply just walking out of my room. That sense of comfort is like a black heavy weighted blanket. At first it’s nice and relaxing but soon turns into a cage. If I leave the anxiety, the paranoia kicks in. “what is out there?” “what is someone is watching me?”

But during this time the overthinking kicks in “my face is too round,” “I don’t look pretty enough,” it’s a never ending cycle and it only gets worse. You could call this seasonal depression, I deal with this everyday no matter the time or season it just so happens to worsen throughout this time.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have a job, no friends to hang out with, and it’s cold so I don’t want to be outside. I try my best to go out and not make the excuse of being busy (I may not look busy, but my mind is in overdrive).

The image is from Pinterest

The Castles Unspoken Secrets 🏰

A story in the making, created by me. This chapter is called Carriage

I place myself in chair 24, almost identical to the rest on this train but mine was lose. It squeaks like a mouse caught in a trap. As i settle myself down I hear a man asking for help, I perk my head up and leaned over to see if he was ok. No one was helping, not even acknowledging his existence right infront of them.

I stopped what ever I was doing to create my comfort and got up to help the man. Due to my analysis of him he looks to be in his late 40’s early 50’s, he was tall with very broad shoulders, his hair softly spiked up, out of his face with a silver tint. His eyes were hazel, mainly a light brown but with specks of emerald green.

I approached this man kindly “would you like me to help you sir?” I reach my hand out for his ticked to see if I could find his seat. His eyes admired me, his smirk of thanks spoke with out moving his lips. The man hands me his ticked “oh seat 33 that’s two rows behind mine!”

The man places his bag down in his seat and turns to me and said “thank you,” I nodded and I walk back to my seat a voice so rich and jovial was no more. He grabbed my arm so tight his nails could’ve carved into my bone “I said thank you,” He pulls me back towards him his voice now inhumane, a hybrid of human and animal. His eyes were not longer admiring me, pupils so small he could’ve been looking directly into the sun, the colour had changed to copper gold. The mans smile was no longer there, his mouth half open, his teeth enlarged.

I started to panic, I tried to mask it so he wouldn’t notice, my heart pounding so fast it starts to ache, my hands and feet creating puddles within themselves. The man had a strong grip, ‘will he let me go?’ I question myself. Thoughts going faster than a bullet train one after the other. I yanked my arm and dashed into my seat.

Letting out my breaths into the cold train air I had to take a moment to rethink what had happened, if it happened!? I look at my arm. No markings but it hurt as if it did. I had to look back, what if i quickly took a nap and that was a dream. It definitely was not a dream. I peaked my head between the two chairs.

Those eyes sharpened, looking at me like I was his prey. He saw not a soul but an opportunity, and my question was ‘his opportunity for what?’ My head throbs, pulsing so strongly i start to feel my own blood flow throughout my body, his stare made me weak, made me anxious. I aggressively blink more than the average person should, my vision was blurry and circling. I could only just make out the drooling dripping from his lower lip, foam forming from his mouth, his teeth structure could almost be identical to a dogs.

I ended up passing out as the train jerked itself awake, it was all too much. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened but it wasn’t normal. My panic attack was so strong I collapsed in my chair.

New Change

So I’ve started my new babysitting job! The child is a beautiful 1 year old boy who loves the outdoors.

That’s new, a child who loves to be outside … with nature. I’m used to sitting inside while the children go on the ipads or watch television, but this is new.

I am not mad about it, like hey I need to be outside more often and going to this new job makes me go outside getting roughly 8 hours of sun 3 days a week. If that isn’t improvement for my health I don’t know what is.

I am someone who loves to lay in bed all day doing nothing, just sitting on my phone. I only go outside if i need to take my rubbish out. I always sleep in till 12 or 1 in the afternoon.

Where as this new change has gotten me out of bed at 8:30am till 5:00pm and as soon as I start I’m outside with the child as we play within the grass on our soles giving a gentle tickle as each giving wand forms a cushion of green. The slight touch of monarch butterflies wings itch upon the subtle leaves on the bush. As We play outside I throw the child up to the sun as it’s warm arms reach out giving a warm hug.

I can’t wait for more to happen as this has already gone off on a good start!

the image is from pinterest, that is also from tumblr (I couldn’t find a name)

My question for you is what’s something new that’s happened to you in the past 4 months?

Checking in 📝

So my life, for once has been pretty uneventful. So this is how my day went

I woke up at 8am this morning, curled my eyelashes and put on some mascara, I called a taxi and headed off to babysit. The weather was horrible. It was like a leaf blower trying to destroy everything in its way picking up plastic bags and rubbish. It was cold. When there was no wind it feel as if you’re in a tropical forrest, so humid and sticky something like being in warm honey.

The children were good, we watched toy story 2 and shrek. I haven’t seen them since I was a child myself. I was very tired from the wind screeching the roof I hardly got any sleep, but I stayed awake painfully, with a big mug of caramel latte.

it was around 11:30 I got home layed in bed and did nothing besides watch tiktok. I even made a tiktok, and so far it has 2006 views and 153 likes. Not too bad.

As for food I had an m&m biscuit for lunch and that’s it. I honestly can’t wait for dinner, to be honest I wonder what we’re having.

My patner and I were play fighting and I won… twice (he thinks that he won one). Honestly love the play fight, because I’ll have so much energy and I have nothing to do to get rid of it. You might suggest exercise, it’s actually too difficult for me to breath when doing it and my heart beat just goes into overload. So at least when I play fight with my patner we have to stop so I can actually breath haha.

Picture was from ColorWhistle, I got it off of pinterest

Comment down what you did today, was it as boring as mine?

Nothing will stay the same 🍃

See with everything I do I try so hard that I need to be perfect at it. Today I let go of a job, and fun fact I only worked 4 or 5 days. I have to laugh at myself thinking that I could actually do retail part time, like there’s nothing to challenge me creatively. I really tried learning all of their codes and satisfying customers needs. It also drains me to the point where it takes 2 to 3 weeks to recover from.

If you don’t understand what I mean by recover let me give you a tour of my brain and try to relate it to you. First things first what you are dealing with for the day, you may need to pack your lunch, bring books, completed homework that you didn’t do. The list goes on and on, I have to make sure my anxiety is under control, I’m not to panicky to the point where I will have a panic attack at work, I have to make sure I’m not too sad, that I look well enough, that I just didn’t get out of bed 10 minutes before work. As well, my list goes on and on.

During work, you are exhausted from the amount of phone calls, paperwork and up coming appointments. With school you are exhausted from doing all the sports and running around you do, all the teachers you argue about your school work too. My exhaustion is from a days worth of one long anxiety attack and socialising, from the moment I wake up it starts the racing heart beat, the throbbing headache, sweaty palms and feet the shaky hands but worst of all the constant intrusive thoughts. It was even worst during school but that a later story to tell.

The thoughts I speak of consist of

  • Did you walk properly
  • Were your knees straight when you walked
  • Was your posture straight
  • Did you smile
  • Is your breathing even
  • Breath through your nose and close your mouth
  • Why did you say the word like that
  • Stop doing that its weird
  • They’re looking at you in disgust see what you did

Sadly those are the nice ones some are violent and cruel but I can’t stop them. So that is my example of what I mean by I need to recover. As much this is drains me mentally it majorly effects me physically as well.

But nothing will ever be the same, thoughts, people and places they change everyday. My change is going backwards I’m going back to doing babysitting, now that is a job I love and enjoy. I don’t know why I changed actually, but I did. It was probably for the better, just to make me realise how I can’t do a ‘normal’ job, 30 hours a week of constant pain and agony of being apart of retail. Ha, I have more creative things to do such as this blog and learning about the minds of children as I look after them.

I guess my question for you today is what job did you hate doing most, and why? this could also be as simple as house chores or school homework.