Story By Image

Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to pick out a picture out from my search on safari ‘Photo prompt for writing’. The Image shown above was the one he chose so here is what I wrote. I did no drafts or planning I just wrote the first thing that came in mind.

Comfort In The Storm

It is my time. The fog comforts me, hugging me like it knew. I hold myself as the famous Henry Purcell – Dido’s Lament plays in my head. The song takes control as I roll my head to each beat, my neck and shoulders support me.

The air is damp, cold. Today the clouds sit upon the earth, as if they decided that the heavens were down here instead. The trees are veiled in the lightest of mist, their trunks sombre brown with sable cracks that gnarl the bark. As my eye travels to the edge of the woodland the trees become silhouettes against a blanket of white, as if it is only daylight where I stand, as if I am encircled by twilight.

If I lived any place other than right here, I would pine for these evergreen hills, this forest that has become a vital part of my soul. The pine forest has a time-machine aroma, everyday of the year, it is the very ether of my memories. The pine forest is a home to so many souls of creation and I feel so blessed to hear my heart beat among theirs.

I never let myself see my own fear, for it was ever a disadvantage in the place that I was raised. To cry was to be beaten and scoled. If I cried I’d be “given something to cry about.” The act of crying for my own pain was literally beaten out of me. Suppressed completely. Now decades later, it still is, yet channelled into my creativity, a sort of unwitting energy booster. What I cannot suppress though are these shivers that say I am afraid.

In that shiver was a moment of truth, a story of these emotions that no mask could ever hide.

I’ve always loved the thunder storms. I’ve always loved storm-could-grey. To see them swirling one last time in the heavens, brings a kind of inner glee. I reached up, bringing down a handful of that cosmic swirl, if I could make a fabric from it that was ever-changing as the sky above is right now, I’d wear it forever.

As the infinity cloud swirl levitates from my hand over my head, I feel it. The heavens. The clouds were a kind of grey that would make any quarry rock proud, as if they were so pleased beneath my feet, hidden between the grass they echo the earth. All of the grey, all that swirling, my vision became a blur, but I trusted this storm to take me where I need to go. The condensation was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Comment your thoughts 🙂

Mental Health Part 4

Eating Disorder

It’s terrifying, not only to look at, but to be trapped by it.

Living with my dad I never really had nutritious foods, or anything that’ll keep a child interested in having food. Being in a blended family is hard enough. What’s even worse is boundaries with food.

Growing up my brother and I had a rule that school snacks should only last us a week and if we ate everything before the next shop we wouldn’t have any food.

Solid rule if I don’t say so myself. But having another family not following that rule getting food handed to them left right and center and only them, it was unfair.

My dad was not a cook and he never made the effort to, so our week of dinner foods were:

  • Monday- Ravioli
  • Tuesday- Tacos
  • Wednesday- Spaghetti Bolognese
  • Thursday- Take away night
  • Friday- Burgers
  • Saturday- Fried rice
  • Sunday- Sausages

over 4 years having these means every week I stopped eating dinner. I was never a breakfast person, in fact I’m still not. eventually all the school snacks were eaten in the house (not like we got anything good). So eventually I stopped eating not because I wanted to my body refused to have the same foods over and over again.

The only thing I was eating were watermelon flavoured chewing gum, and anything I could get off friends at school. I hated eating at school, my anxiety was so bad I would refuse to eat.

This was when i was 12-15. I chose to stay at my dads permanently but I couldn’t deal with being like this. I was sick everyday, so brittle, so fragile, I was sick every morning I couldn’t stomach anything down. So I decided to see my mum every second weekend.

This all came to an end when my dad kicked me out of home and I started living with my mum.

Another thing was body issues, I hated eating when I lived at my mums. There is one thing I’ll never forget that my mum once said to me. I tried on my dress for my year 12 ball dance we call a social, I already hated the dress but I walked out of my room, and showed my mum and she said “you might need to lose a little bit of weight around your stomach.” I kept my cool until i shut my door behind me in my room.

I didn’t want to eat anything and when I did I over ate. I was made fun of when I did exercise, I found it difficult because of my abnormal heart beat which effected my breathing and over all fitness. No one understood and it’s a family inside “joke” that I hate sports. I actually would love to get back into doing sports but I can’t I end up not breathing.

I still struggle till this day with eating. At times I will wake up in the evening and sleep all day just so I can skip meals. I have gotten a lot better than where I was 6 years ago.

Photo was found on Pinterest by flickr.com

My question for you is: “what is your favourite food/meal?”

Mental Health Part 2

Depression

You’ve heard the saying of everything being suffocating, being weighted down chained to the bed. Yes that is correct. But everyone deals with it differently.

I was diagnosed at the age of 13. I loved singing, drawing, going to school just normal hobbies. I can’t quite put a finger on what triggered my depression to start but it’s definitely passed down genetically. All of a sudden I stopped doing everything, the only thing I found enjoyment in was sleeping, pretending like I don’t exist.

The fake smile and happiness was exhausting but the most draining part was actually existing.

Having to wake up, lifting my weighted eyelids only to see the intense sunlight was torture. Having my brain to rewire as if I was a robot, learning how to move. Laying in bed on my side I was safe I was curled into a ball like an armadillo my shell being my blanket. Knowing what’s to happen, and how much energy I has to consist in order to be socially acceptable hurt my brain. What actually happened most was, I would over think every possible scenario that can happen in order to absolutely scare myself that I would throw up in fear and anxiety. That would be my excuse to stay at home. An excuse that would happen every morning before school.

My anxiety and depression are best friends like Kevin Heart and The Rock. My anxiety so small but it would laugh at me with its self deprecating jokes. MY depression so big and strong it weighs me down. Put both of them I’m a laughing stock to myself.

It didn’t help that my dad didn’t believe mental health exists and yet when he stayed at home he’d tell me that “he’s having a mental health day,” … yes I wish I was joking. I was so afraid to coming out of my room I became so sick very quickly.

When ever I was at my mum’s house I would make depressive jokes, even suicidal ones. She would tag along saying “oh stop it and get up,” I would laugh it off but inside I questioned wow would anyone even care if I just left?

At school I laughed a little less everyday but enough to make everyone not worry about me.

I’m not a selfish person at all I couldn’t care less what is happening to me so long as everyone else is having fun and is ok.

Which is a dangerous thing but I know how it feels to have no one when you’re about to leave everything.

I still struggle to this day keeping myself alive and existing. I only shower once a week but that’s if its a good week. I could easily go weeks without having a shower. Its so exhausting cleaning yourself, if you don’t understand you really have no say on how disgusting I am or it is. I’m a little better with cleaning, I clean about twice a week, it would get to a point where I’d start to panic about it.

Growing up having your mum threaten to clean your room if you don’t I get so paranoid. My room will come to a state and I could be doing anything and a trigger would set in and it’s almost like I panic clean. It’s nothing major but knowing that someone is going to come into my space not knowing where everything goes, I go into a head spin.

It’s like you’ve finish a project for school or work that you’ve put all of your time and energy into only to find it destroyed or have gone missing. Your natural instinct is to panic.

That’s how I feel.

Depression is so silent and suffocating one day you seem fine asking yourself ‘is it finally over? am I now free?’ only to find out that night or the next day that it never left it was there waiting fir you to feel vulnerable.

my depression took over me that I had to be put on medication to ease the strangulation, so I can finally take a breath.

Photo is from Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is what do you do on your mental health days?

Wedding 💒

Some view this day as one to remeber, a day for just the bride and groom declaring their love. Others see it as a trap a day they dread will happen.

I have been taught about arrange marriages, I have been to some what a TedTalk about it, and to be honest I couldn’t imagine what that would be or even feel like. A day that is meant for you and your partner. Destroyed. Only because of forced family beliefs and traditions. Also at such a young age too! the girls from the ages of when they first get their period or even younger.

Now I’m not one to go around and educate people on this topic, I really don’t know enough information to do so.

I am just thankful enough that I can go marry to who ever I want whenever I want and not have to flee the government for it.

Marriage for me is that final step of the girlfriend/boyfriend stage. In my eyes the day I will get married is when my love life is complete. Don’t get me wrong I know lots of troubles can come with the married relationship, but I live in a Fantasy world in my head most of the time so everything is perfect, just the way I like it and that’s how my day will be and go.

I’ve already planned out my wedding in my head with my current boyfriend. Haha I know I’m only 18 but it is such a dream people tell me not to rush, but it’s so exciting I want it to happen now. I’ve actually had a pinterest board of wedding stuff since I was 12.

Although my boyfriend thinks is a scam and what not. Which I have to laugh about because I completely see where he is coming from, but he also knows how much I love the idea of it and the romance will be off the charts so he’s only going to have a wedding because it’s something he knows I have always dreamed of having.

My mum got married recently (second time round) it gave me such motivation to have my own if I could I would be planning my wedding for next month. My mum was so stressed out about everything and everyone else she forgot that it was her day, but on the day everything came together and everyone had an awesome time… well I definitely did.

My question of today is, would you like to get married someday?

Hair 💇🏼‍♀️

The best feeling is getting your hair done! prove me wrong.

From the wash that you don’t need to do for another 3-4 days, the head massage that you get when they deep condition your hair. To the finish product where you are a new person!

As a male, I presume it would be different. Sort of like a life or death situation you have to look like for at least 2 weeks. Not knowing the end product, I don’t blame you for being nervous or scared to get your hair done.

I got my hair lighter at the bottom, and got the roots of my hair darkened. I’m going for a black to grey/white ombré, and I’ve been wanting to do it for a good couple of years now, and it’s finally happening.

I love the process, but just someone even playing with my hair doing something with it just makes me melt. The feeling is like being so relaxed you feel like you are floating as everything around you goes by so fast. Although it’s never fun paying for it. The end results are worth it though.

Picture was from pinterest by Marianne Taylor

My question today is what hair colour would you love to dye your hair?