Seasonal Depression?

Has anyone else been feeling tired? not just needing to go to bed and falling alseep tired but everything you need to do tired.

It’s been a struggle for a week now going to sleep at 3 or 4am and then oversleeping till 2 or 3pm then only getting out of bed for food or to go toliet.

Getting out of bed and being awake is so exhausting. The brain functioning and doing it’s normal job it’s like you’ve just tan a marathon even though you’ve just woken up.

I tend not to eat during this time. It’s either because I actually forgot or I wake up to late that I only have dinner and that’s my only meal. I don’t mean to starve myself I can’t help it, food is just not on the important list for when I’m awake.

It is winter here in Australia so it’s going to be more difficult to get out of bed that it already is. Even though the cold and rain is the best part of it all, the worst thing is that it’s the biggest excuse to be in bed.

Getting up to make a coffee or hot chocolate then returning back to bed under the warm blankets giving the comforting hug you’ve always wanted, laying down watching a movie and watching your phone.

Sounds ideal!

For me it’s the worst.

I already struggle getting out of bed, having to go out or simply just walking out of my room. That sense of comfort is like a black heavy weighted blanket. At first it’s nice and relaxing but soon turns into a cage. If I leave the anxiety, the paranoia kicks in. “what is out there?” “what is someone is watching me?”

But during this time the overthinking kicks in “my face is too round,” “I don’t look pretty enough,” it’s a never ending cycle and it only gets worse. You could call this seasonal depression, I deal with this everyday no matter the time or season it just so happens to worsen throughout this time.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have a job, no friends to hang out with, and it’s cold so I don’t want to be outside. I try my best to go out and not make the excuse of being busy (I may not look busy, but my mind is in overdrive).

The image is from Pinterest

Story By Image

Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to pick out a picture out from my search on safari ‘Photo prompt for writing’. The Image shown above was the one he chose so here is what I wrote. I did no drafts or planning I just wrote the first thing that came in mind.

Comfort In The Storm

It is my time. The fog comforts me, hugging me like it knew. I hold myself as the famous Henry Purcell – Dido’s Lament plays in my head. The song takes control as I roll my head to each beat, my neck and shoulders support me.

The air is damp, cold. Today the clouds sit upon the earth, as if they decided that the heavens were down here instead. The trees are veiled in the lightest of mist, their trunks sombre brown with sable cracks that gnarl the bark. As my eye travels to the edge of the woodland the trees become silhouettes against a blanket of white, as if it is only daylight where I stand, as if I am encircled by twilight.

If I lived any place other than right here, I would pine for these evergreen hills, this forest that has become a vital part of my soul. The pine forest has a time-machine aroma, everyday of the year, it is the very ether of my memories. The pine forest is a home to so many souls of creation and I feel so blessed to hear my heart beat among theirs.

I never let myself see my own fear, for it was ever a disadvantage in the place that I was raised. To cry was to be beaten and scoled. If I cried I’d be “given something to cry about.” The act of crying for my own pain was literally beaten out of me. Suppressed completely. Now decades later, it still is, yet channelled into my creativity, a sort of unwitting energy booster. What I cannot suppress though are these shivers that say I am afraid.

In that shiver was a moment of truth, a story of these emotions that no mask could ever hide.

I’ve always loved the thunder storms. I’ve always loved storm-could-grey. To see them swirling one last time in the heavens, brings a kind of inner glee. I reached up, bringing down a handful of that cosmic swirl, if I could make a fabric from it that was ever-changing as the sky above is right now, I’d wear it forever.

As the infinity cloud swirl levitates from my hand over my head, I feel it. The heavens. The clouds were a kind of grey that would make any quarry rock proud, as if they were so pleased beneath my feet, hidden between the grass they echo the earth. All of the grey, all that swirling, my vision became a blur, but I trusted this storm to take me where I need to go. The condensation was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Comment your thoughts 🙂

New Change

So I’ve started my new babysitting job! The child is a beautiful 1 year old boy who loves the outdoors.

That’s new, a child who loves to be outside … with nature. I’m used to sitting inside while the children go on the ipads or watch television, but this is new.

I am not mad about it, like hey I need to be outside more often and going to this new job makes me go outside getting roughly 8 hours of sun 3 days a week. If that isn’t improvement for my health I don’t know what is.

I am someone who loves to lay in bed all day doing nothing, just sitting on my phone. I only go outside if i need to take my rubbish out. I always sleep in till 12 or 1 in the afternoon.

Where as this new change has gotten me out of bed at 8:30am till 5:00pm and as soon as I start I’m outside with the child as we play within the grass on our soles giving a gentle tickle as each giving wand forms a cushion of green. The slight touch of monarch butterflies wings itch upon the subtle leaves on the bush. As We play outside I throw the child up to the sun as it’s warm arms reach out giving a warm hug.

I can’t wait for more to happen as this has already gone off on a good start!

the image is from pinterest, that is also from tumblr (I couldn’t find a name)

My question for you is what’s something new that’s happened to you in the past 4 months?

Checking in 📝

So my life, for once has been pretty uneventful. So this is how my day went

I woke up at 8am this morning, curled my eyelashes and put on some mascara, I called a taxi and headed off to babysit. The weather was horrible. It was like a leaf blower trying to destroy everything in its way picking up plastic bags and rubbish. It was cold. When there was no wind it feel as if you’re in a tropical forrest, so humid and sticky something like being in warm honey.

The children were good, we watched toy story 2 and shrek. I haven’t seen them since I was a child myself. I was very tired from the wind screeching the roof I hardly got any sleep, but I stayed awake painfully, with a big mug of caramel latte.

it was around 11:30 I got home layed in bed and did nothing besides watch tiktok. I even made a tiktok, and so far it has 2006 views and 153 likes. Not too bad.

As for food I had an m&m biscuit for lunch and that’s it. I honestly can’t wait for dinner, to be honest I wonder what we’re having.

My patner and I were play fighting and I won… twice (he thinks that he won one). Honestly love the play fight, because I’ll have so much energy and I have nothing to do to get rid of it. You might suggest exercise, it’s actually too difficult for me to breath when doing it and my heart beat just goes into overload. So at least when I play fight with my patner we have to stop so I can actually breath haha.

Picture was from ColorWhistle, I got it off of pinterest

Comment down what you did today, was it as boring as mine?

Nothing will stay the same 🍃

See with everything I do I try so hard that I need to be perfect at it. Today I let go of a job, and fun fact I only worked 4 or 5 days. I have to laugh at myself thinking that I could actually do retail part time, like there’s nothing to challenge me creatively. I really tried learning all of their codes and satisfying customers needs. It also drains me to the point where it takes 2 to 3 weeks to recover from.

If you don’t understand what I mean by recover let me give you a tour of my brain and try to relate it to you. First things first what you are dealing with for the day, you may need to pack your lunch, bring books, completed homework that you didn’t do. The list goes on and on, I have to make sure my anxiety is under control, I’m not to panicky to the point where I will have a panic attack at work, I have to make sure I’m not too sad, that I look well enough, that I just didn’t get out of bed 10 minutes before work. As well, my list goes on and on.

During work, you are exhausted from the amount of phone calls, paperwork and up coming appointments. With school you are exhausted from doing all the sports and running around you do, all the teachers you argue about your school work too. My exhaustion is from a days worth of one long anxiety attack and socialising, from the moment I wake up it starts the racing heart beat, the throbbing headache, sweaty palms and feet the shaky hands but worst of all the constant intrusive thoughts. It was even worst during school but that a later story to tell.

The thoughts I speak of consist of

  • Did you walk properly
  • Were your knees straight when you walked
  • Was your posture straight
  • Did you smile
  • Is your breathing even
  • Breath through your nose and close your mouth
  • Why did you say the word like that
  • Stop doing that its weird
  • They’re looking at you in disgust see what you did

Sadly those are the nice ones some are violent and cruel but I can’t stop them. So that is my example of what I mean by I need to recover. As much this is drains me mentally it majorly effects me physically as well.

But nothing will ever be the same, thoughts, people and places they change everyday. My change is going backwards I’m going back to doing babysitting, now that is a job I love and enjoy. I don’t know why I changed actually, but I did. It was probably for the better, just to make me realise how I can’t do a ‘normal’ job, 30 hours a week of constant pain and agony of being apart of retail. Ha, I have more creative things to do such as this blog and learning about the minds of children as I look after them.

I guess my question for you today is what job did you hate doing most, and why? this could also be as simple as house chores or school homework.

Calming day ☁️

Today is a calm day, no blinding bright steaming hot sun out, no where to rush to or stress about. Today is simply cloudy with a light hint of wind. we all have to have our days off and the universe said today is that day.

As well, waking up roughly at 12:56pm in the afternoon has its perks. This doesn’t happen a lot due to my mind constantly creating scenarios that can either be logical or completely unrealistic, I don’t have a clue what is and what isn’t. I’m alway awake at 9am but I make myself sleep for longer.

If only it were raining, possibly a thunderstorm that would make the day ‘perfect’. Of course nothing is perfect, it would simply just be the ideal day for me. Sitting inside with a coffee or hot chocolate, with a side of biscuits maybe even chocolate pieces, and watching a comforting movie.

As you can Tell yes I am a sucker for the cold wet weather. It reminds me of home. Back in New Zealand surrounded by the echoes of the ancient mountains the screams of the wise rivers. I miss it terribly I get so excited even seeing the colour of green in nature. It has been a while, 5 possibly 6 years since I last visited. Well now it’s even harder to visit with the virus.

I’m now in a part of Australia where we are surrounded by red dirt that dye our shoes, clothing even skin. There’s little green here the most you’ll see is at the front lawns of the rich. There’s very few trees, not much shade to hide my pale skin from the boiling sun.

I don’t hate Australia I’ve lived here for 10 years, made many friends, my education improved by A LOT! Like everywhere you’ll live there’s going to be its pros and cons.

I have two questions for you, they’re quite simple. 1- where did you grow up? 2- what is your calm/favourite weather?