Mental Health Part 2

Depression

You’ve heard the saying of everything being suffocating, being weighted down chained to the bed. Yes that is correct. But everyone deals with it differently.

I was diagnosed at the age of 13. I loved singing, drawing, going to school just normal hobbies. I can’t quite put a finger on what triggered my depression to start but it’s definitely passed down genetically. All of a sudden I stopped doing everything, the only thing I found enjoyment in was sleeping, pretending like I don’t exist.

The fake smile and happiness was exhausting but the most draining part was actually existing.

Having to wake up, lifting my weighted eyelids only to see the intense sunlight was torture. Having my brain to rewire as if I was a robot, learning how to move. Laying in bed on my side I was safe I was curled into a ball like an armadillo my shell being my blanket. Knowing what’s to happen, and how much energy I has to consist in order to be socially acceptable hurt my brain. What actually happened most was, I would over think every possible scenario that can happen in order to absolutely scare myself that I would throw up in fear and anxiety. That would be my excuse to stay at home. An excuse that would happen every morning before school.

My anxiety and depression are best friends like Kevin Heart and The Rock. My anxiety so small but it would laugh at me with its self deprecating jokes. MY depression so big and strong it weighs me down. Put both of them I’m a laughing stock to myself.

It didn’t help that my dad didn’t believe mental health exists and yet when he stayed at home he’d tell me that “he’s having a mental health day,” … yes I wish I was joking. I was so afraid to coming out of my room I became so sick very quickly.

When ever I was at my mum’s house I would make depressive jokes, even suicidal ones. She would tag along saying “oh stop it and get up,” I would laugh it off but inside I questioned wow would anyone even care if I just left?

At school I laughed a little less everyday but enough to make everyone not worry about me.

I’m not a selfish person at all I couldn’t care less what is happening to me so long as everyone else is having fun and is ok.

Which is a dangerous thing but I know how it feels to have no one when you’re about to leave everything.

I still struggle to this day keeping myself alive and existing. I only shower once a week but that’s if its a good week. I could easily go weeks without having a shower. Its so exhausting cleaning yourself, if you don’t understand you really have no say on how disgusting I am or it is. I’m a little better with cleaning, I clean about twice a week, it would get to a point where I’d start to panic about it.

Growing up having your mum threaten to clean your room if you don’t I get so paranoid. My room will come to a state and I could be doing anything and a trigger would set in and it’s almost like I panic clean. It’s nothing major but knowing that someone is going to come into my space not knowing where everything goes, I go into a head spin.

It’s like you’ve finish a project for school or work that you’ve put all of your time and energy into only to find it destroyed or have gone missing. Your natural instinct is to panic.

That’s how I feel.

Depression is so silent and suffocating one day you seem fine asking yourself ‘is it finally over? am I now free?’ only to find out that night or the next day that it never left it was there waiting fir you to feel vulnerable.

my depression took over me that I had to be put on medication to ease the strangulation, so I can finally take a breath.

Photo is from Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is what do you do on your mental health days?

Mental Health Part 1

Anxiety

People who barely know me or just met me think I’m socially awkward and have major anxiety issues or maybe they don’t even think that.

I’ve always had anxiety since I was a kid. It was mistaken with shyness, although I was terribly shy. I had the old panic attacks and the shaking, always needing to have at least one person I know next to me or near me.

I don’t remember much from my childhood in New Zealand, it was all quite a blur.

I do remember at school, I would’ve been year 2 and on Friday mornings we would have this thing called Jumping Jam, having music going and we would have our dance routine to the songs and dance to it. There were a couple of times with all the fast pace movements around me, the loud talking and the roaring music, I would have really bad panic attacks. I would go to my comfort person (which would’ve been my cousin) and she’d take me outside and calm me down and stay outside with me till the whole Jumping Jam was finished or till that song was done.

With my anxiety since I have suffered from when I was a child there have been many coping mechanisms, such as daydreaming which later on developed to maladaptive daydreaming.

‘Maladaptive daydreaming is a condition that causes intense daydreaming that distracts a person from their real life. Many times, real-life events trigger day dreams’. -Healthline

Highschool in Australia was an absolute nightmare.

I was the type of kid at school where I was quiet but when I’m with someone I’m comfortable I was so loud. I could talk to the “popular” kids and the “non-popular” kids, I was the middle ground. It was actually really stressing at times. During year 8 things went down hill, the bullying started, I couldn’t sit in class without my legs or hands shaking. I developed a hair picking habit, where during class I would sit there for 50 minutes just plucking out individual pieces of hair. Now one side of my hair is lighter than the other.

I was also the type of kid who self analysis everything about their self. I had such high standards about myself I almost had to be perfect no matter where I went. At my dad’s house I had to be like a 7 year old, I had to cover myself from head to toe, I had no independence (he is homophobic so I couldn’t have many friends over as most if not all of my friends are apart of the LGBTQ+ community), I also had to listen to him and couldn’t stand up for myself. At mums I felt like I had to be girly, had to have makeup on most of the time, dress in dresses, and almost be the girl she couldn’t be when she was my age. At school I felt like I had to act different within each group of people I talk to.

With this anxiety of trying to be perfect and living up to everyone’s expectations I really tried so hard, I burned-out. I lost who I am as an individual, I lost many friends and important people.

Besides all of this loss and agony, screaming in self pity unable to cope and seek refuge in this world, in this reality I’ve always had one person who has been by my side since day 1. My best friend who I call my sister, Her name is Stella. We all need a Stella in our life.

Her name means ‘star’ and she most defiantly is, she is someone who is the opposite as me but understands me in a way no one else does. No matter what I’m dealing with or what is happening in that given moment she will drop everything she’s doing and make sure I’m ok.

Now this year, not being at school and having medication to help me I went to a physiatrist. He told me I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), I have crippling anxiety and social anxiety, depression with suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

There’s a difference between PTSD and C-PTSD

PTSD: a disorder characterised by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. this condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.

C-PTSD: a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling emotions. feeling very angry or distressful towards the world.

The photo is from Pinterest by Cosmopolitan (trapped in my own mind)

Comment if you would like to hear a story or want me to talk about a topic.

My question for you today is what was the biggest challenge in your life?

Being Sick 😷

This could be taken one of two ways, being physically sick with a cold or the flu. Or being mentally sick.

What if i told you this whole week I have had both.

I haven’t left my bed for 4 days. Now for those who don’t know me, I don’t leave my bed normally… like at all. I love to lay down on my phone, and I’m quite happy doing so.

But I have come down with a sinus infection and the flu. I am surrounded by my own infectious disease. Yesterday I cleaned all of it up I washed my water bottle I have been drinking from I had a shower! It wasn’t enough. Today, I feel worse. There’s more tissues, my room is back to being a mess and I have no energy to do anything.

That’s just my physical illness that I’ve had to delt with this week. Let me tell you how my mental illness is going.

I haven’t taken my antidepressant in a while. I just forgot. That’s it, I have so many things going on in my mind, that I just forgot to take them one day. Which lead to two days, which lead to three weeks, which lead to a month. Now the first week I forgot to take them I felt ok, in fact I was absolutely fine.

I was still going out, I wanted to have fun. Until a couple of memories I suppressed appeared. I am trying almost to hard to drown them out, making me realise it’s getting bad again.

As well, my mum had her wedding on the weekend, and I drunk my heart out because why not it’s a wedding.

I went back yesterday to pick up some of my stuff I left at my mums house and she told me “I should watch my drinking,” now this may mean nothing but I got really down by this comment, and it’s not the first time I’ve felt this way.

People always encourage me to have fun, to go out and live life. So when I do, it’s always the next day or the day after, someone will say ‘keep an eye on yourself’ or ‘I can’t believe you did this thing’. To me it honestly feels like I can have fun without someone judging me.

Yet I’m trying so hard to put myself out there to have fun. Of course I am aware of the dangers, I am a highly paranoid person (which is a huge reason why I don’t go out).

So this week has been hard on me with nothing to do but think and lay in bed. Nothing but blowing my nose and relive memories.

My question for you is, How often do you get physically sick?

Wedding 💒

Some view this day as one to remeber, a day for just the bride and groom declaring their love. Others see it as a trap a day they dread will happen.

I have been taught about arrange marriages, I have been to some what a TedTalk about it, and to be honest I couldn’t imagine what that would be or even feel like. A day that is meant for you and your partner. Destroyed. Only because of forced family beliefs and traditions. Also at such a young age too! the girls from the ages of when they first get their period or even younger.

Now I’m not one to go around and educate people on this topic, I really don’t know enough information to do so.

I am just thankful enough that I can go marry to who ever I want whenever I want and not have to flee the government for it.

Marriage for me is that final step of the girlfriend/boyfriend stage. In my eyes the day I will get married is when my love life is complete. Don’t get me wrong I know lots of troubles can come with the married relationship, but I live in a Fantasy world in my head most of the time so everything is perfect, just the way I like it and that’s how my day will be and go.

I’ve already planned out my wedding in my head with my current boyfriend. Haha I know I’m only 18 but it is such a dream people tell me not to rush, but it’s so exciting I want it to happen now. I’ve actually had a pinterest board of wedding stuff since I was 12.

Although my boyfriend thinks is a scam and what not. Which I have to laugh about because I completely see where he is coming from, but he also knows how much I love the idea of it and the romance will be off the charts so he’s only going to have a wedding because it’s something he knows I have always dreamed of having.

My mum got married recently (second time round) it gave me such motivation to have my own if I could I would be planning my wedding for next month. My mum was so stressed out about everything and everyone else she forgot that it was her day, but on the day everything came together and everyone had an awesome time… well I definitely did.

My question of today is, would you like to get married someday?

Ballet

There’s a sort of comfort I feel watching ballet. The music, the precise placing of the feet and body language, not only putting on a show but to take you on an adventure with the dancers.

I did ballet when I was younger, lets say around the age of 5. I didn’t do it for long, but I did it long enough to know that dancing is not for me. Although being apart of the audience doesn’t sadden me. No. In fact I prefer to watch the show, I get a slight tingle of excitement in my stomach knowing I’m going to be casted away into a daydream like land of the imagination for a couple of hours.

Here where I live we don’t get a lot of performances like these, to go dress up nicely to. That’s what makes the experience even better!

Tonight they didn’t preform one specific piece, they showed the development throughout history. They way the put everything together it makes me so what proud I almost want to cry about it. From the romance to the drama of the stories I do feel apart of it.

Picture is from pinterest by Iness.

Question today is: what era is your favourite type of dance from?

Hair 💇🏼‍♀️

The best feeling is getting your hair done! prove me wrong.

From the wash that you don’t need to do for another 3-4 days, the head massage that you get when they deep condition your hair. To the finish product where you are a new person!

As a male, I presume it would be different. Sort of like a life or death situation you have to look like for at least 2 weeks. Not knowing the end product, I don’t blame you for being nervous or scared to get your hair done.

I got my hair lighter at the bottom, and got the roots of my hair darkened. I’m going for a black to grey/white ombré, and I’ve been wanting to do it for a good couple of years now, and it’s finally happening.

I love the process, but just someone even playing with my hair doing something with it just makes me melt. The feeling is like being so relaxed you feel like you are floating as everything around you goes by so fast. Although it’s never fun paying for it. The end results are worth it though.

Picture was from pinterest by Marianne Taylor

My question today is what hair colour would you love to dye your hair?

The Castles Unspoken Secrets 🏰

I have been on and off writing a story off of a dream I had, and since I have nothing interesting for yoy today, let me give you an insight about the year of the year 1997.

Parents gone, and Aunty isn’t able to keep young Ivory Shaw in London. An emotional journey, starting at new school, making new friends, a possible love interest, with lots of parties to go around and secrets to share. Ivory ends up at a Echo Boarding School where she is yet to find out more about the castle and people. From relations to mythical creatures Ivory learns that there is more unspoken secrets imprinted deep within the castle.

We arrive at the dinning hall, although it isn’t one anymore. The door frame hidden behind layers of golden fabrics of sheer and silk, drooping like a curtain. The marble floor polished so fine you could mistake it for a mirror, as your own reflection stares back. Chairs and tables decorated with white cloth, a centre piece of a golden plate with slight flower indents carved on the edges, a small cup vase sitting on top holding flowers, I’m not sure of what sort but the colours burst of white, pink, soft oranges and red. Heavy fabric hung half way up on the wall to the middle of the roof with a giant chandelier giving the room a mellow glow on the roof.

This whole room looks feels like a fairy tale, all the girls dressed in their best dresses, hair done up to complement the makeup that sat on their delicate faces. The boys in their finest tuxedos or formal uniform. The only thing that’s missing is a prince charming for me.

During the night we all dance to a waltz. Sam, Dawn, Ash and I are having fun as us girls being passed on from boy to boy all in a circle, not knowing who we have next. The music suddenly slows down everything around me followed the slowness almost like everything had stopped in that one moment. My face dropped my heart starting its greatest race as all my senses go stiff to the realisation of who I am standing in front of.

Archer.

A wave of anger and nervousness struck upon me. We stand right in front of each other. Both maintaining angry, cold eye contact. Everyone around us stops, turning their heads as we capture their full attention. whispers flying through the air of who they expect to walk away, we ignore due to the pure hatred we have for each other. All because I am someone who doesn’t belong here. We are both to stubborn to walk away from each other. So Archer takes my hand, the other around my waist, my left hand on his shoulder the right locked onto his unable to let go. We keep the hard cold eye contact as the music and movement speeds up and we danced gracefully. No one would ever thought Archer Lupo would be dancing with someone like me Ivory Shaw.

Our faces closer than ever, our breath combines as one. Our palms touching surely he could feel my pulse, and nervous sweat at this point. I stare into his gleaming gold-coloured eyes getting lost in the thought of falling for his light delicate touch. I wonder what he thinks at this point in time. Pulling me so close our bodies could touch but the inch of material separate us. Is he doing this on purpose? does he know that he has the power to make me feel so vulnerable, I have never in my life wanted to beg for someone to kiss me.