My life right now

Hey all

Sorry that I have been so absent lately there has been a couple things going on that I’m really stressed about and been busy doing, so let me fill you in on what’s been happening.

First up I have entered in the art competition in my town which I have been procrastinating/working so hard on. To give you a general idea it’s on A3 piece of white paper and I have drawn a person with a shocked expression on their face and behind them is a brain that’s zoomed up on showing different types of mental disorders. I originally did this in my year 11 art class and I was so proud of my work I thought I would try it again but gain recognition for it. I haven’t entered the grand prize, if you win you receive 20k and other prizes are $1000 I’m selling my work for $250 (from memory).

I’m very excited for this, the due date is next month so I will keep you updated on how I go.

Next thing is friends, recently I have found these two girls who are awsome and have my whole heart. We go on car rides screaming out sad songs, vibe, and get so many frozen cokes. Our friendship is only new but us three get along so well our personalities just fit together like a puzzle piece (so cliche i know) but that’s how I feel. For a while now I been trying so hard to make friends try and hang out with them but nothing really happened. One of these girls start to message me and not even a week later I meet her other friend and now we all talk every night. Nothing was forced, we laugh all the time (besides when we’re sad) and it’s just what I’ve been needing.

⚠️warning next paragraph I talk about periods and blood.

Lastly I have surgery next week monday and I am so scared. For 4 years now I’ve been having such trouble with my period. At first it was irregular not that painful but it was ok. 6 months go by and I start to have the really bad period cramps, my mum explained to me how she used to be like that too so I thought it was normal. I go to the doctors and got the contraceptive pill to help my pain but no matter which type I took I had terrible reactions. I have hives all up my arms, rashes around my chest, and a bit of both around my neck. So I stopped taking them.

But it only got worse.

After school I had choir or other activities so I would have to wait out front to get picked up, most of the time I could barely stand, my body was so weak I was constantly faint and nauseated at times I had to stay I home all I could do was scream in pain. The only thing is that the pain wasn’t the problem, it was also the amount of blood that was passing. A normal period last about 7-10 days right? well mine would last up to 5-9 weeks straight then I would have about a 3 day-1 week of nothing, but then I’ll start bleeding again. I couldn’t take it I had been to the doctors but they said nothing was wrong but I knew something was so I kept going back. They said it was an anaemic thing (a condition in which there is a deficiency of red cells or of haemoglobin in the blood, resulting in pallor and weariness).

I started taking iron supplements which worked well for my coldsores but that’s not what it was meant for. I ended up going to the hospital to get the rod implant in my arm which is another contraceptive but that didn’t work either. The doctors then told me I have a high chance of having endometriosis (A disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.With endometriosis, the tissue can be found on the ovaries, fallopian tubes or the intestines). I’ve heard about this before but I would never think I could possibly have this.

I’ve been up all night thinking, crying, tossing and turning.

‘I want to have my own children… but what if that’s not possible now?’

‘Will my boyfriend now leave me because I may not be able to produce children?’

‘How long do I have to suffer from this pain for?’

‘What if nothing is wrong with me and I just waisted everyone’s time with my pain?’

There’s so many more things I over think about but these are my main 4. I can’t stop it my anxiety has been let lose I haven’t been able to sleep and when I do I don’t remeber actually falling asleep, I pass out from exhaustion, my face littered in coldsores I can’t contain the spreading. 5 days left I don’t know how much longer I can be like this, I have so many questions that need answering, my patience is no longer with me I need to know what I have to deal with now.

Again I’m so sorry for being inactive, once my surgery is done I’ll try my best to come back and have a routine. As always I’ll keep you updated on everything.

Image is from Pinterest, the website is https://goldgirlsdiary.wordpress.com/2020/08/30/fotos-naturales-que-te-tendrian-que-hacer-sin-avisar/amp/

Hope you’re all having a wonderful day where ever you are.

Stay safe x

Wattpad

Hey all,

I’ve decided to post my full story on wattpad, thank you for the two people who convinced me too they know who they are 😉.

So if you’re interested I will be posting weekly! starting from next week. I haven’t chosen which day since I may be getting a Job soon my routine will be based around my schedule.

Follow @SimplyMessyMind or my story is called ‘The Castles Unspoken Secrets’

If you don’t know what it is about I would recommend finding my two other posts, they are simplified versions of what’s in the chapters. Otherwise here’s the blurb.

From supernatural to love this story follows a girl named Ivory Shaw, who has lost her parents and can no longer stay with her aunty. Arriving at her new boarding school, with new friends and a potential love interest, Ivory won’t be able to tell what is real anymore.

Thank you!!!

if you have any questions follow my socials or email me

Snapchat: amazingemma48

Instagram: simplymessymind

email: emma@simplymessymind.com

The Castles Unspoken Secrets 🏰

A story in the making, created by me. This chapter is called Carriage

I place myself in chair 24, almost identical to the rest on this train but mine was lose. It squeaks like a mouse caught in a trap. As i settle myself down I hear a man asking for help, I perk my head up and leaned over to see if he was ok. No one was helping, not even acknowledging his existence right infront of them.

I stopped what ever I was doing to create my comfort and got up to help the man. Due to my analysis of him he looks to be in his late 40’s early 50’s, he was tall with very broad shoulders, his hair softly spiked up, out of his face with a silver tint. His eyes were hazel, mainly a light brown but with specks of emerald green.

I approached this man kindly “would you like me to help you sir?” I reach my hand out for his ticked to see if I could find his seat. His eyes admired me, his smirk of thanks spoke with out moving his lips. The man hands me his ticked “oh seat 33 that’s two rows behind mine!”

The man places his bag down in his seat and turns to me and said “thank you,” I nodded and I walk back to my seat a voice so rich and jovial was no more. He grabbed my arm so tight his nails could’ve carved into my bone “I said thank you,” He pulls me back towards him his voice now inhumane, a hybrid of human and animal. His eyes were not longer admiring me, pupils so small he could’ve been looking directly into the sun, the colour had changed to copper gold. The mans smile was no longer there, his mouth half open, his teeth enlarged.

I started to panic, I tried to mask it so he wouldn’t notice, my heart pounding so fast it starts to ache, my hands and feet creating puddles within themselves. The man had a strong grip, ‘will he let me go?’ I question myself. Thoughts going faster than a bullet train one after the other. I yanked my arm and dashed into my seat.

Letting out my breaths into the cold train air I had to take a moment to rethink what had happened, if it happened!? I look at my arm. No markings but it hurt as if it did. I had to look back, what if i quickly took a nap and that was a dream. It definitely was not a dream. I peaked my head between the two chairs.

Those eyes sharpened, looking at me like I was his prey. He saw not a soul but an opportunity, and my question was ‘his opportunity for what?’ My head throbs, pulsing so strongly i start to feel my own blood flow throughout my body, his stare made me weak, made me anxious. I aggressively blink more than the average person should, my vision was blurry and circling. I could only just make out the drooling dripping from his lower lip, foam forming from his mouth, his teeth structure could almost be identical to a dogs.

I ended up passing out as the train jerked itself awake, it was all too much. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened but it wasn’t normal. My panic attack was so strong I collapsed in my chair.

Small businesses

Recently I have ordered from a shop called ONExLOVE, I’ve asked if I could interview about her and her work. This is to show appreciation to other companies and the hard work they put in.

How old are you and what do you do?

“I am 13!
I own a small business where I sell tons of new things such as embroidered items , screen printed items, hand made item, jewelry, etc..”

how long of a process was it to plan everything out and gathering your equipment?

“I have started this acc a year ago but for thrifting and just lost interest In that so it took me a few months to gather all the equipment!”

How to you manage school/home and work life?

“It’s really difficult but I always put school first and then mu small business. I try to be really focus but still take time for myself.”

what sparked the inspiration to make a small business?

“What sparked my inspiration were other small businesses on insta, and I really appreciated their hard work.”

Who helps you out the most (mum, dad, friends, etc)?

“I would say my mom helps me the most with dropping off my packages for me but my dad definitely helps me with advice and whenever I have a problem to fix , but I appreciate both of them and their help.”

how do you plan to grow/ what are you’re future ideas with you’re growing business?

“I plan to create more trendy pieces and handmade tops very soon!”

What has been the best part about it all?

“The best part has been encountering so many sweet friends and supporters!”

what has been the most difficult part about the business?

“The most difficult part has been able to balance school and work because it gets really overwhelming and stressful. It’s hard to find that good balance between both.”

Follow:

Instagram: @shoppnexlove

Website: https://www.onexlove.us

Story By Image

Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to pick out a picture out from my search on safari ‘Photo prompt for writing’. The Image shown above was the one he chose so here is what I wrote. I did no drafts or planning I just wrote the first thing that came in mind.

Comfort In The Storm

It is my time. The fog comforts me, hugging me like it knew. I hold myself as the famous Henry Purcell – Dido’s Lament plays in my head. The song takes control as I roll my head to each beat, my neck and shoulders support me.

The air is damp, cold. Today the clouds sit upon the earth, as if they decided that the heavens were down here instead. The trees are veiled in the lightest of mist, their trunks sombre brown with sable cracks that gnarl the bark. As my eye travels to the edge of the woodland the trees become silhouettes against a blanket of white, as if it is only daylight where I stand, as if I am encircled by twilight.

If I lived any place other than right here, I would pine for these evergreen hills, this forest that has become a vital part of my soul. The pine forest has a time-machine aroma, everyday of the year, it is the very ether of my memories. The pine forest is a home to so many souls of creation and I feel so blessed to hear my heart beat among theirs.

I never let myself see my own fear, for it was ever a disadvantage in the place that I was raised. To cry was to be beaten and scoled. If I cried I’d be “given something to cry about.” The act of crying for my own pain was literally beaten out of me. Suppressed completely. Now decades later, it still is, yet channelled into my creativity, a sort of unwitting energy booster. What I cannot suppress though are these shivers that say I am afraid.

In that shiver was a moment of truth, a story of these emotions that no mask could ever hide.

I’ve always loved the thunder storms. I’ve always loved storm-could-grey. To see them swirling one last time in the heavens, brings a kind of inner glee. I reached up, bringing down a handful of that cosmic swirl, if I could make a fabric from it that was ever-changing as the sky above is right now, I’d wear it forever.

As the infinity cloud swirl levitates from my hand over my head, I feel it. The heavens. The clouds were a kind of grey that would make any quarry rock proud, as if they were so pleased beneath my feet, hidden between the grass they echo the earth. All of the grey, all that swirling, my vision became a blur, but I trusted this storm to take me where I need to go. The condensation was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Comment your thoughts 🙂

Mental Health Part 4

Eating Disorder

It’s terrifying, not only to look at, but to be trapped by it.

Living with my dad I never really had nutritious foods, or anything that’ll keep a child interested in having food. Being in a blended family is hard enough. What’s even worse is boundaries with food.

Growing up my brother and I had a rule that school snacks should only last us a week and if we ate everything before the next shop we wouldn’t have any food.

Solid rule if I don’t say so myself. But having another family not following that rule getting food handed to them left right and center and only them, it was unfair.

My dad was not a cook and he never made the effort to, so our week of dinner foods were:

  • Monday- Ravioli
  • Tuesday- Tacos
  • Wednesday- Spaghetti Bolognese
  • Thursday- Take away night
  • Friday- Burgers
  • Saturday- Fried rice
  • Sunday- Sausages

over 4 years having these means every week I stopped eating dinner. I was never a breakfast person, in fact I’m still not. eventually all the school snacks were eaten in the house (not like we got anything good). So eventually I stopped eating not because I wanted to my body refused to have the same foods over and over again.

The only thing I was eating were watermelon flavoured chewing gum, and anything I could get off friends at school. I hated eating at school, my anxiety was so bad I would refuse to eat.

This was when i was 12-15. I chose to stay at my dads permanently but I couldn’t deal with being like this. I was sick everyday, so brittle, so fragile, I was sick every morning I couldn’t stomach anything down. So I decided to see my mum every second weekend.

This all came to an end when my dad kicked me out of home and I started living with my mum.

Another thing was body issues, I hated eating when I lived at my mums. There is one thing I’ll never forget that my mum once said to me. I tried on my dress for my year 12 ball dance we call a social, I already hated the dress but I walked out of my room, and showed my mum and she said “you might need to lose a little bit of weight around your stomach.” I kept my cool until i shut my door behind me in my room.

I didn’t want to eat anything and when I did I over ate. I was made fun of when I did exercise, I found it difficult because of my abnormal heart beat which effected my breathing and over all fitness. No one understood and it’s a family inside “joke” that I hate sports. I actually would love to get back into doing sports but I can’t I end up not breathing.

I still struggle till this day with eating. At times I will wake up in the evening and sleep all day just so I can skip meals. I have gotten a lot better than where I was 6 years ago.

Photo was found on Pinterest by flickr.com

My question for you is: “what is your favourite food/meal?”

Mental Health Part 2

Depression

You’ve heard the saying of everything being suffocating, being weighted down chained to the bed. Yes that is correct. But everyone deals with it differently.

I was diagnosed at the age of 13. I loved singing, drawing, going to school just normal hobbies. I can’t quite put a finger on what triggered my depression to start but it’s definitely passed down genetically. All of a sudden I stopped doing everything, the only thing I found enjoyment in was sleeping, pretending like I don’t exist.

The fake smile and happiness was exhausting but the most draining part was actually existing.

Having to wake up, lifting my weighted eyelids only to see the intense sunlight was torture. Having my brain to rewire as if I was a robot, learning how to move. Laying in bed on my side I was safe I was curled into a ball like an armadillo my shell being my blanket. Knowing what’s to happen, and how much energy I has to consist in order to be socially acceptable hurt my brain. What actually happened most was, I would over think every possible scenario that can happen in order to absolutely scare myself that I would throw up in fear and anxiety. That would be my excuse to stay at home. An excuse that would happen every morning before school.

My anxiety and depression are best friends like Kevin Heart and The Rock. My anxiety so small but it would laugh at me with its self deprecating jokes. MY depression so big and strong it weighs me down. Put both of them I’m a laughing stock to myself.

It didn’t help that my dad didn’t believe mental health exists and yet when he stayed at home he’d tell me that “he’s having a mental health day,” … yes I wish I was joking. I was so afraid to coming out of my room I became so sick very quickly.

When ever I was at my mum’s house I would make depressive jokes, even suicidal ones. She would tag along saying “oh stop it and get up,” I would laugh it off but inside I questioned wow would anyone even care if I just left?

At school I laughed a little less everyday but enough to make everyone not worry about me.

I’m not a selfish person at all I couldn’t care less what is happening to me so long as everyone else is having fun and is ok.

Which is a dangerous thing but I know how it feels to have no one when you’re about to leave everything.

I still struggle to this day keeping myself alive and existing. I only shower once a week but that’s if its a good week. I could easily go weeks without having a shower. Its so exhausting cleaning yourself, if you don’t understand you really have no say on how disgusting I am or it is. I’m a little better with cleaning, I clean about twice a week, it would get to a point where I’d start to panic about it.

Growing up having your mum threaten to clean your room if you don’t I get so paranoid. My room will come to a state and I could be doing anything and a trigger would set in and it’s almost like I panic clean. It’s nothing major but knowing that someone is going to come into my space not knowing where everything goes, I go into a head spin.

It’s like you’ve finish a project for school or work that you’ve put all of your time and energy into only to find it destroyed or have gone missing. Your natural instinct is to panic.

That’s how I feel.

Depression is so silent and suffocating one day you seem fine asking yourself ‘is it finally over? am I now free?’ only to find out that night or the next day that it never left it was there waiting fir you to feel vulnerable.

my depression took over me that I had to be put on medication to ease the strangulation, so I can finally take a breath.

Photo is from Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is what do you do on your mental health days?

Mental Health Part 1

Anxiety

People who barely know me or just met me think I’m socially awkward and have major anxiety issues or maybe they don’t even think that.

I’ve always had anxiety since I was a kid. It was mistaken with shyness, although I was terribly shy. I had the old panic attacks and the shaking, always needing to have at least one person I know next to me or near me.

I don’t remember much from my childhood in New Zealand, it was all quite a blur.

I do remember at school, I would’ve been year 2 and on Friday mornings we would have this thing called Jumping Jam, having music going and we would have our dance routine to the songs and dance to it. There were a couple of times with all the fast pace movements around me, the loud talking and the roaring music, I would have really bad panic attacks. I would go to my comfort person (which would’ve been my cousin) and she’d take me outside and calm me down and stay outside with me till the whole Jumping Jam was finished or till that song was done.

With my anxiety since I have suffered from when I was a child there have been many coping mechanisms, such as daydreaming which later on developed to maladaptive daydreaming.

‘Maladaptive daydreaming is a condition that causes intense daydreaming that distracts a person from their real life. Many times, real-life events trigger day dreams’. -Healthline

Highschool in Australia was an absolute nightmare.

I was the type of kid at school where I was quiet but when I’m with someone I’m comfortable I was so loud. I could talk to the “popular” kids and the “non-popular” kids, I was the middle ground. It was actually really stressing at times. During year 8 things went down hill, the bullying started, I couldn’t sit in class without my legs or hands shaking. I developed a hair picking habit, where during class I would sit there for 50 minutes just plucking out individual pieces of hair. Now one side of my hair is lighter than the other.

I was also the type of kid who self analysis everything about their self. I had such high standards about myself I almost had to be perfect no matter where I went. At my dad’s house I had to be like a 7 year old, I had to cover myself from head to toe, I had no independence (he is homophobic so I couldn’t have many friends over as most if not all of my friends are apart of the LGBTQ+ community), I also had to listen to him and couldn’t stand up for myself. At mums I felt like I had to be girly, had to have makeup on most of the time, dress in dresses, and almost be the girl she couldn’t be when she was my age. At school I felt like I had to act different within each group of people I talk to.

With this anxiety of trying to be perfect and living up to everyone’s expectations I really tried so hard, I burned-out. I lost who I am as an individual, I lost many friends and important people.

Besides all of this loss and agony, screaming in self pity unable to cope and seek refuge in this world, in this reality I’ve always had one person who has been by my side since day 1. My best friend who I call my sister, Her name is Stella. We all need a Stella in our life.

Her name means ‘star’ and she most defiantly is, she is someone who is the opposite as me but understands me in a way no one else does. No matter what I’m dealing with or what is happening in that given moment she will drop everything she’s doing and make sure I’m ok.

Now this year, not being at school and having medication to help me I went to a physiatrist. He told me I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), I have crippling anxiety and social anxiety, depression with suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

There’s a difference between PTSD and C-PTSD

PTSD: a disorder characterised by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. this condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.

C-PTSD: a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling emotions. feeling very angry or distressful towards the world.

The photo is from Pinterest by Cosmopolitan (trapped in my own mind)

Comment if you would like to hear a story or want me to talk about a topic.

My question for you today is what was the biggest challenge in your life?

Being Sick 😷

This could be taken one of two ways, being physically sick with a cold or the flu. Or being mentally sick.

What if i told you this whole week I have had both.

I haven’t left my bed for 4 days. Now for those who don’t know me, I don’t leave my bed normally… like at all. I love to lay down on my phone, and I’m quite happy doing so.

But I have come down with a sinus infection and the flu. I am surrounded by my own infectious disease. Yesterday I cleaned all of it up I washed my water bottle I have been drinking from I had a shower! It wasn’t enough. Today, I feel worse. There’s more tissues, my room is back to being a mess and I have no energy to do anything.

That’s just my physical illness that I’ve had to delt with this week. Let me tell you how my mental illness is going.

I haven’t taken my antidepressant in a while. I just forgot. That’s it, I have so many things going on in my mind, that I just forgot to take them one day. Which lead to two days, which lead to three weeks, which lead to a month. Now the first week I forgot to take them I felt ok, in fact I was absolutely fine.

I was still going out, I wanted to have fun. Until a couple of memories I suppressed appeared. I am trying almost to hard to drown them out, making me realise it’s getting bad again.

As well, my mum had her wedding on the weekend, and I drunk my heart out because why not it’s a wedding.

I went back yesterday to pick up some of my stuff I left at my mums house and she told me “I should watch my drinking,” now this may mean nothing but I got really down by this comment, and it’s not the first time I’ve felt this way.

People always encourage me to have fun, to go out and live life. So when I do, it’s always the next day or the day after, someone will say ‘keep an eye on yourself’ or ‘I can’t believe you did this thing’. To me it honestly feels like I can have fun without someone judging me.

Yet I’m trying so hard to put myself out there to have fun. Of course I am aware of the dangers, I am a highly paranoid person (which is a huge reason why I don’t go out).

So this week has been hard on me with nothing to do but think and lay in bed. Nothing but blowing my nose and relive memories.

My question for you is, How often do you get physically sick?

Wedding 💒

Some view this day as one to remeber, a day for just the bride and groom declaring their love. Others see it as a trap a day they dread will happen.

I have been taught about arrange marriages, I have been to some what a TedTalk about it, and to be honest I couldn’t imagine what that would be or even feel like. A day that is meant for you and your partner. Destroyed. Only because of forced family beliefs and traditions. Also at such a young age too! the girls from the ages of when they first get their period or even younger.

Now I’m not one to go around and educate people on this topic, I really don’t know enough information to do so.

I am just thankful enough that I can go marry to who ever I want whenever I want and not have to flee the government for it.

Marriage for me is that final step of the girlfriend/boyfriend stage. In my eyes the day I will get married is when my love life is complete. Don’t get me wrong I know lots of troubles can come with the married relationship, but I live in a Fantasy world in my head most of the time so everything is perfect, just the way I like it and that’s how my day will be and go.

I’ve already planned out my wedding in my head with my current boyfriend. Haha I know I’m only 18 but it is such a dream people tell me not to rush, but it’s so exciting I want it to happen now. I’ve actually had a pinterest board of wedding stuff since I was 12.

Although my boyfriend thinks is a scam and what not. Which I have to laugh about because I completely see where he is coming from, but he also knows how much I love the idea of it and the romance will be off the charts so he’s only going to have a wedding because it’s something he knows I have always dreamed of having.

My mum got married recently (second time round) it gave me such motivation to have my own if I could I would be planning my wedding for next month. My mum was so stressed out about everything and everyone else she forgot that it was her day, but on the day everything came together and everyone had an awesome time… well I definitely did.

My question of today is, would you like to get married someday?