No Post

Sorry for not posting for the past week.

I have been super busy just with general life things, in a couple of weeks I’m getting new lot of medication, just to improve my sleep more. I apparently have night terrors (I’ll write about it in a couple of weeks).

As well as working a couple days a week, it has been making me tired but not exhausted.

It was my 2 year anniversary last week monday which is the main reason why I didn’t post. I got him a couple of presents, like a speaker, note books, own little grooming kit. There was more but I can’t remeber the rest. I got to spend $100 at kmart! after that we had Nandos at around 4pm then later on after a movie or two we got Maccas (Mcdonald’s) at around 9:30pm.

I also have the Art Exhibition Launch on friday which I’m super excited about, they will announce the winner as well. I’m mostly excited about dressing up since it’s a cocktail event.

I probably won’t post till the end of this month, just because I am tired and I have so much going on this month as well.

Image was found on Pinterest

Question of the day: what is you’re favourite season?

Mines winter

Mental Health Part 7

Suicidal thoughts and Tendencies

⚠️ Warning (by the title I hope to assume you know what this post is going to be about)

I’ve been struggling from this mental disorder since I was 12, around about the time when my depression was starting to impact my daily life.

It’s a horrible thing to experience both mentally and physically. I, myself tend to pick at my skin on my hands mainly between my thumb and pointer finger. At first I do it to soothe myself when I’m feeling anxious, but then I continue to do it without noticing making my hand go red and sore at times make it bleed. My main struggle is not eating, I purposely sleep all day right up to 3pm just so I don’t eat as a form of self harm, this also leads to my eating disorder.

I’m actually quite good when it comes to self harming, I’m thankful that I can snap out of it quickly and not act upon it (unless it’s do to with eating I haven’t improved nor had it worsened).

However, I’m always haunted by the thoughts. See I’m the type of person to know that it’s a bad thing but I’m in so much pain I’d much rather leave. So as those throughts race around in a constant circle another tab of thoughts are open and on repeat it tells me how worthless I am, how if I died it wouldn’t be such a big dead. At the same time I have really graphic images and scenes about how I could end it all or the lead up to it. While all of that is going on I end up having server panic attacks.

Now you’re probably thinking, ‘why doesn’t she just talk to someone about it?’

Well I did

Once…

I hate going to counselling or therapy because I just end up lying and not telling them how bad I actually am. I couldn’t talk to my dad about it because he doesn’t believe in meantal health, and I couldn’t talk to my mum because then she’ll start blaming herself. I do talk to my friends about it but I don’t want them to worry about me so I just tell them half the story. It’s so hard to talk about when you don’t even know the real trigger, it’s so sudden it attacks when you least expect it even if you are cautious. As soon as you let your guard down best believe it’s first in line to attack.

Worst part of it all is that I feel so guilty just even thinking about it, or doing things just to purely hurt myself. I cannot hide it, I cannot stop it, I can’t even get rid of it. I can get help for it, I can suppress it but it’ll never fully go away. I know I’m not alone, but I will always feel alone.

Image was found on Pinterest

Question of the day: what is you’re favourite type of flower?

Shifting pt2

No I have not shifted yet!

I would highly recommend viewing my other post if you haven’t already about my journey and what shifting is. Also disclaimer !if you do not believe in this sort of thing and just going to spread negativity then please don’t read this post and/or comment anything!

1:30am 2nd August, I was very tired but couldn’t sleep so I tried to shift. I haven’t tried in a month or so, it has been a while. I was listening to a shifting guided meditation (I’ll leave a link at the end). I was following the guide not overthinking my symptoms or if my eyes were closed or not I was simply just there.

I felt myself drifting to sleep, which I didn’t mind because I was tired and the woman’s voice disappeared so did the music then all of a sudden I hear a mans voice not loudly but in an angered tone just said “fuck” of course that startled me and I could feel my heart racing I wasn’t expecting that, I mean who would. The music came back so did the woman’s voice.

At this point in time i felt the disconnection I was just floating, I could almost feel myself laying in the different position I knew that I had just shifted, and was now coming back to this current reality. I felt it, I even heard it although the voice I did not recognise. I definitely knew it wasn’t my boyfriends, this voice was much deeper and the tones and vibrations of it were nothing like my boyfriends.

So technically I did shift but I never woke up in the desired reality, when I do wake up there that’s when I will say I have officially shifted. I am so close I’m almost over excited to be honest.

I am still shifting to the Harry Potter universe, the Golden Trio era (Harry, Ron, Hermione) I have added a couple of characters to fit how I was the desired reality to be, I have aslo placed myself into slytherin (that is my hogwarts house).

I highly believe that I will wake up there, I can shift and you can too! I have been trying since April this year, so for most people it takes months to even get a sign for others who are lucky it only takes them days or weeks.

here is the link to the guided meditation https://youtu.be/cNEUgJ9oDi8

Question of the day: Do you believe in this sort of thing?

photo is off of Pinterest

I have survived

I don’t know about you but it certainly has been a crazy week for me.

my surgery went well and I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, which pains me so much. Now i have answers and instead of putting everything on hold not knowing why i’m in a great deal of pain I can now be treated.

Although during the week not even 48 hours after my surgery I ended back up in hospital at 11pm I did a pee test and the doctors ran a blood test, everything seemed normal but the urine test came back and said I had an infection …

Like, what!

I was prescribed some medication and went home at 3am only to go back for an ultrasound at 11:30am, it was a lot but I did it. I continued crying in pain for several days. Turns out I just needed to move my bowels haha. After I did so I felt like a new woman, I could move and not walk around looking like I was a pregnant lady. But hey if I didn’t go back up to the hospital they wouldn’t have found the infection.

Another update I have a new job!!

I am a cleaning lady at a lodge. Now you’re probably thinking ‘cleaning lady? how low in life are you in to be a cleaning lady?’ well actually after being in retail my whole working life I did a training day before my surgery and I loved it, the people there are super friendly, I’m not forced to interact or to talk to anyone. It is quite an independent job you just get there and do what you need to do! (surprisingly it pays really well too).

As for my art it is now due in 10 days and I’m no where close to finishing nor do I have everything I need to finish it. I still need A2 black paper and a frame. I keep panicking about this project making me procrastinate. Hopefully I’ll be close to finishing by the end of the week!

I’m back now! So if you’d like to chat follow and message my instagram @simplymessymind or email me at emma@simplymessymind.com

Question of the day is: do you prefer to be outside or inside and why?

I got the picture off of Pinterest, from the website http://www.fosterthefamilyblog.com/foster-the-family-blog-1/this-day-was-the-worst

My life right now

Hey all

Sorry that I have been so absent lately there has been a couple things going on that I’m really stressed about and been busy doing, so let me fill you in on what’s been happening.

First up I have entered in the art competition in my town which I have been procrastinating/working so hard on. To give you a general idea it’s on A3 piece of white paper and I have drawn a person with a shocked expression on their face and behind them is a brain that’s zoomed up on showing different types of mental disorders. I originally did this in my year 11 art class and I was so proud of my work I thought I would try it again but gain recognition for it. I haven’t entered the grand prize, if you win you receive 20k and other prizes are $1000 I’m selling my work for $250 (from memory).

I’m very excited for this, the due date is next month so I will keep you updated on how I go.

Next thing is friends, recently I have found these two girls who are awsome and have my whole heart. We go on car rides screaming out sad songs, vibe, and get so many frozen cokes. Our friendship is only new but us three get along so well our personalities just fit together like a puzzle piece (so cliche i know) but that’s how I feel. For a while now I been trying so hard to make friends try and hang out with them but nothing really happened. One of these girls start to message me and not even a week later I meet her other friend and now we all talk every night. Nothing was forced, we laugh all the time (besides when we’re sad) and it’s just what I’ve been needing.

⚠️warning next paragraph I talk about periods and blood.

Lastly I have surgery next week monday and I am so scared. For 4 years now I’ve been having such trouble with my period. At first it was irregular not that painful but it was ok. 6 months go by and I start to have the really bad period cramps, my mum explained to me how she used to be like that too so I thought it was normal. I go to the doctors and got the contraceptive pill to help my pain but no matter which type I took I had terrible reactions. I have hives all up my arms, rashes around my chest, and a bit of both around my neck. So I stopped taking them.

But it only got worse.

After school I had choir or other activities so I would have to wait out front to get picked up, most of the time I could barely stand, my body was so weak I was constantly faint and nauseated at times I had to stay I home all I could do was scream in pain. The only thing is that the pain wasn’t the problem, it was also the amount of blood that was passing. A normal period last about 7-10 days right? well mine would last up to 5-9 weeks straight then I would have about a 3 day-1 week of nothing, but then I’ll start bleeding again. I couldn’t take it I had been to the doctors but they said nothing was wrong but I knew something was so I kept going back. They said it was an anaemic thing (a condition in which there is a deficiency of red cells or of haemoglobin in the blood, resulting in pallor and weariness).

I started taking iron supplements which worked well for my coldsores but that’s not what it was meant for. I ended up going to the hospital to get the rod implant in my arm which is another contraceptive but that didn’t work either. The doctors then told me I have a high chance of having endometriosis (A disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.With endometriosis, the tissue can be found on the ovaries, fallopian tubes or the intestines). I’ve heard about this before but I would never think I could possibly have this.

I’ve been up all night thinking, crying, tossing and turning.

‘I want to have my own children… but what if that’s not possible now?’

‘Will my boyfriend now leave me because I may not be able to produce children?’

‘How long do I have to suffer from this pain for?’

‘What if nothing is wrong with me and I just waisted everyone’s time with my pain?’

There’s so many more things I over think about but these are my main 4. I can’t stop it my anxiety has been let lose I haven’t been able to sleep and when I do I don’t remeber actually falling asleep, I pass out from exhaustion, my face littered in coldsores I can’t contain the spreading. 5 days left I don’t know how much longer I can be like this, I have so many questions that need answering, my patience is no longer with me I need to know what I have to deal with now.

Again I’m so sorry for being inactive, once my surgery is done I’ll try my best to come back and have a routine. As always I’ll keep you updated on everything.

Image is from Pinterest, the website is https://goldgirlsdiary.wordpress.com/2020/08/30/fotos-naturales-que-te-tendrian-que-hacer-sin-avisar/amp/

Hope you’re all having a wonderful day where ever you are.

Stay safe x

Wattpad

Hey all,

I’ve decided to post my full story on wattpad, thank you for the two people who convinced me too they know who they are 😉.

So if you’re interested I will be posting weekly! starting from next week. I haven’t chosen which day since I may be getting a Job soon my routine will be based around my schedule.

Follow @SimplyMessyMind or my story is called ‘The Castles Unspoken Secrets’

If you don’t know what it is about I would recommend finding my two other posts, they are simplified versions of what’s in the chapters. Otherwise here’s the blurb.

From supernatural to love this story follows a girl named Ivory Shaw, who has lost her parents and can no longer stay with her aunty. Arriving at her new boarding school, with new friends and a potential love interest, Ivory won’t be able to tell what is real anymore.

Thank you!!!

if you have any questions follow my socials or email me

Snapchat: amazingemma48

Instagram: simplymessymind

email: emma@simplymessymind.com

The Castles Unspoken Secrets 🏰

A story in the making, created by me. This chapter is called Carriage

I place myself in chair 24, almost identical to the rest on this train but mine was lose. It squeaks like a mouse caught in a trap. As i settle myself down I hear a man asking for help, I perk my head up and leaned over to see if he was ok. No one was helping, not even acknowledging his existence right infront of them.

I stopped what ever I was doing to create my comfort and got up to help the man. Due to my analysis of him he looks to be in his late 40’s early 50’s, he was tall with very broad shoulders, his hair softly spiked up, out of his face with a silver tint. His eyes were hazel, mainly a light brown but with specks of emerald green.

I approached this man kindly “would you like me to help you sir?” I reach my hand out for his ticked to see if I could find his seat. His eyes admired me, his smirk of thanks spoke with out moving his lips. The man hands me his ticked “oh seat 33 that’s two rows behind mine!”

The man places his bag down in his seat and turns to me and said “thank you,” I nodded and I walk back to my seat a voice so rich and jovial was no more. He grabbed my arm so tight his nails could’ve carved into my bone “I said thank you,” He pulls me back towards him his voice now inhumane, a hybrid of human and animal. His eyes were not longer admiring me, pupils so small he could’ve been looking directly into the sun, the colour had changed to copper gold. The mans smile was no longer there, his mouth half open, his teeth enlarged.

I started to panic, I tried to mask it so he wouldn’t notice, my heart pounding so fast it starts to ache, my hands and feet creating puddles within themselves. The man had a strong grip, ‘will he let me go?’ I question myself. Thoughts going faster than a bullet train one after the other. I yanked my arm and dashed into my seat.

Letting out my breaths into the cold train air I had to take a moment to rethink what had happened, if it happened!? I look at my arm. No markings but it hurt as if it did. I had to look back, what if i quickly took a nap and that was a dream. It definitely was not a dream. I peaked my head between the two chairs.

Those eyes sharpened, looking at me like I was his prey. He saw not a soul but an opportunity, and my question was ‘his opportunity for what?’ My head throbs, pulsing so strongly i start to feel my own blood flow throughout my body, his stare made me weak, made me anxious. I aggressively blink more than the average person should, my vision was blurry and circling. I could only just make out the drooling dripping from his lower lip, foam forming from his mouth, his teeth structure could almost be identical to a dogs.

I ended up passing out as the train jerked itself awake, it was all too much. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened but it wasn’t normal. My panic attack was so strong I collapsed in my chair.

Small businesses

Recently I have ordered from a shop called ONExLOVE, I’ve asked if I could interview about her and her work. This is to show appreciation to other companies and the hard work they put in.

How old are you and what do you do?

“I am 13!
I own a small business where I sell tons of new things such as embroidered items , screen printed items, hand made item, jewelry, etc..”

how long of a process was it to plan everything out and gathering your equipment?

“I have started this acc a year ago but for thrifting and just lost interest In that so it took me a few months to gather all the equipment!”

How to you manage school/home and work life?

“It’s really difficult but I always put school first and then mu small business. I try to be really focus but still take time for myself.”

what sparked the inspiration to make a small business?

“What sparked my inspiration were other small businesses on insta, and I really appreciated their hard work.”

Who helps you out the most (mum, dad, friends, etc)?

“I would say my mom helps me the most with dropping off my packages for me but my dad definitely helps me with advice and whenever I have a problem to fix , but I appreciate both of them and their help.”

how do you plan to grow/ what are you’re future ideas with you’re growing business?

“I plan to create more trendy pieces and handmade tops very soon!”

What has been the best part about it all?

“The best part has been encountering so many sweet friends and supporters!”

what has been the most difficult part about the business?

“The most difficult part has been able to balance school and work because it gets really overwhelming and stressful. It’s hard to find that good balance between both.”

Follow:

Instagram: @shoppnexlove

Website: https://www.onexlove.us

Story By Image

Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to pick out a picture out from my search on safari ‘Photo prompt for writing’. The Image shown above was the one he chose so here is what I wrote. I did no drafts or planning I just wrote the first thing that came in mind.

Comfort In The Storm

It is my time. The fog comforts me, hugging me like it knew. I hold myself as the famous Henry Purcell – Dido’s Lament plays in my head. The song takes control as I roll my head to each beat, my neck and shoulders support me.

The air is damp, cold. Today the clouds sit upon the earth, as if they decided that the heavens were down here instead. The trees are veiled in the lightest of mist, their trunks sombre brown with sable cracks that gnarl the bark. As my eye travels to the edge of the woodland the trees become silhouettes against a blanket of white, as if it is only daylight where I stand, as if I am encircled by twilight.

If I lived any place other than right here, I would pine for these evergreen hills, this forest that has become a vital part of my soul. The pine forest has a time-machine aroma, everyday of the year, it is the very ether of my memories. The pine forest is a home to so many souls of creation and I feel so blessed to hear my heart beat among theirs.

I never let myself see my own fear, for it was ever a disadvantage in the place that I was raised. To cry was to be beaten and scoled. If I cried I’d be “given something to cry about.” The act of crying for my own pain was literally beaten out of me. Suppressed completely. Now decades later, it still is, yet channelled into my creativity, a sort of unwitting energy booster. What I cannot suppress though are these shivers that say I am afraid.

In that shiver was a moment of truth, a story of these emotions that no mask could ever hide.

I’ve always loved the thunder storms. I’ve always loved storm-could-grey. To see them swirling one last time in the heavens, brings a kind of inner glee. I reached up, bringing down a handful of that cosmic swirl, if I could make a fabric from it that was ever-changing as the sky above is right now, I’d wear it forever.

As the infinity cloud swirl levitates from my hand over my head, I feel it. The heavens. The clouds were a kind of grey that would make any quarry rock proud, as if they were so pleased beneath my feet, hidden between the grass they echo the earth. All of the grey, all that swirling, my vision became a blur, but I trusted this storm to take me where I need to go. The condensation was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Comment your thoughts 🙂

Mental Health Part 4

Eating Disorder

It’s terrifying, not only to look at, but to be trapped by it.

Living with my dad I never really had nutritious foods, or anything that’ll keep a child interested in having food. Being in a blended family is hard enough. What’s even worse is boundaries with food.

Growing up my brother and I had a rule that school snacks should only last us a week and if we ate everything before the next shop we wouldn’t have any food.

Solid rule if I don’t say so myself. But having another family not following that rule getting food handed to them left right and center and only them, it was unfair.

My dad was not a cook and he never made the effort to, so our week of dinner foods were:

  • Monday- Ravioli
  • Tuesday- Tacos
  • Wednesday- Spaghetti Bolognese
  • Thursday- Take away night
  • Friday- Burgers
  • Saturday- Fried rice
  • Sunday- Sausages

over 4 years having these means every week I stopped eating dinner. I was never a breakfast person, in fact I’m still not. eventually all the school snacks were eaten in the house (not like we got anything good). So eventually I stopped eating not because I wanted to my body refused to have the same foods over and over again.

The only thing I was eating were watermelon flavoured chewing gum, and anything I could get off friends at school. I hated eating at school, my anxiety was so bad I would refuse to eat.

This was when i was 12-15. I chose to stay at my dads permanently but I couldn’t deal with being like this. I was sick everyday, so brittle, so fragile, I was sick every morning I couldn’t stomach anything down. So I decided to see my mum every second weekend.

This all came to an end when my dad kicked me out of home and I started living with my mum.

Another thing was body issues, I hated eating when I lived at my mums. There is one thing I’ll never forget that my mum once said to me. I tried on my dress for my year 12 ball dance we call a social, I already hated the dress but I walked out of my room, and showed my mum and she said “you might need to lose a little bit of weight around your stomach.” I kept my cool until i shut my door behind me in my room.

I didn’t want to eat anything and when I did I over ate. I was made fun of when I did exercise, I found it difficult because of my abnormal heart beat which effected my breathing and over all fitness. No one understood and it’s a family inside “joke” that I hate sports. I actually would love to get back into doing sports but I can’t I end up not breathing.

I still struggle till this day with eating. At times I will wake up in the evening and sleep all day just so I can skip meals. I have gotten a lot better than where I was 6 years ago.

Photo was found on Pinterest by flickr.com

My question for you is: “what is your favourite food/meal?”