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Sorry for not posting for the past week.

I have been super busy just with general life things, in a couple of weeks I’m getting new lot of medication, just to improve my sleep more. I apparently have night terrors (I’ll write about it in a couple of weeks).

As well as working a couple days a week, it has been making me tired but not exhausted.

It was my 2 year anniversary last week monday which is the main reason why I didn’t post. I got him a couple of presents, like a speaker, note books, own little grooming kit. There was more but I can’t remeber the rest. I got to spend $100 at kmart! after that we had Nandos at around 4pm then later on after a movie or two we got Maccas (Mcdonald’s) at around 9:30pm.

I also have the Art Exhibition Launch on friday which I’m super excited about, they will announce the winner as well. I’m mostly excited about dressing up since it’s a cocktail event.

I probably won’t post till the end of this month, just because I am tired and I have so much going on this month as well.

Image was found on Pinterest

Question of the day: what is you’re favourite season?

Mines winter

Dot Journal

I love doing these, the whole art, keeping track of everything and writing!

Dot journaling gets my creative flows going, I get all my inspiration from pinterest (as always).

Pinterest is one of those apps where you can put some music on and spend hours just scrolling and gain the influence to start that project, whether it be big such as renovating that one part of the house or small such as crafting a diy project.

This is how I lay my journal out

I always start my journal with a cover page (illustrating each month). I guess it’s pretty self explanatory why, so you know where you’re at in the year

I then draw out a calander (some times I write it on the cover page as well) .

I then like to keep a money tracker only because I’m terrible at saving money so I need to track how well I’m doing (then I spend a “little” to treat myself).

On the next couple of pages I keep track of my sleep, how much I exercise and how much water I drink. Only because I want to see my sleep patterns (since it’s all over the place at the moment), I don’t normally exercise because of breathing problems but I am trying to improve myself, I never drink water so keeping track of it gives me a visualisation of how much I’m drinking.

Another thing that’s good to keep track of is your moods. If you’re similar to me I mood can go from 100-0 within a day so it’s nice to give an overall thought about how good/bad your day actually was. Even an anxiety tracker would be beneficial.

After that you’re free to do anything, like step by step drawings

Maybe plan out your ideal daily routine

what about a dream log for the week? (even a month if you really want to if you’re like me and have dreams that you remeber every night).

Or even a self care page!

There’s so much to write/draw about endless opportunities to get those thoughts out of you’re head in a creative, more straightforward and pretty to cast out the messy darkness of it all.

I don’t know about you but this really helps me a lot, and I tend to find the days I don’t journal are the bad days. I strive iff perfectionism so if I do a simple mistake I can’t just use white out, or even rip the page out because then it rips half the pages out so instead I have to buy a new journal. I know it sounds bad, and I can see it’s bad because i have currently 5 half used journals all because I messed up one page.

In saying that it does release a lot of mmm anxiety, some people read, others meditate, I prefer to relax in a creative way.

Found the image on pinterest which lead to https://leithandgray.co.uk/products/a6-tan-journal website as they actually sell the product (this is not sponsored I just wanted the picture)

Question of the day is: What activities do you do to relax?

Mental Health Part 7

Suicidal thoughts and Tendencies

⚠️ Warning (by the title I hope to assume you know what this post is going to be about)

I’ve been struggling from this mental disorder since I was 12, around about the time when my depression was starting to impact my daily life.

It’s a horrible thing to experience both mentally and physically. I, myself tend to pick at my skin on my hands mainly between my thumb and pointer finger. At first I do it to soothe myself when I’m feeling anxious, but then I continue to do it without noticing making my hand go red and sore at times make it bleed. My main struggle is not eating, I purposely sleep all day right up to 3pm just so I don’t eat as a form of self harm, this also leads to my eating disorder.

I’m actually quite good when it comes to self harming, I’m thankful that I can snap out of it quickly and not act upon it (unless it’s do to with eating I haven’t improved nor had it worsened).

However, I’m always haunted by the thoughts. See I’m the type of person to know that it’s a bad thing but I’m in so much pain I’d much rather leave. So as those throughts race around in a constant circle another tab of thoughts are open and on repeat it tells me how worthless I am, how if I died it wouldn’t be such a big dead. At the same time I have really graphic images and scenes about how I could end it all or the lead up to it. While all of that is going on I end up having server panic attacks.

Now you’re probably thinking, ‘why doesn’t she just talk to someone about it?’

Well I did

Once…

I hate going to counselling or therapy because I just end up lying and not telling them how bad I actually am. I couldn’t talk to my dad about it because he doesn’t believe in meantal health, and I couldn’t talk to my mum because then she’ll start blaming herself. I do talk to my friends about it but I don’t want them to worry about me so I just tell them half the story. It’s so hard to talk about when you don’t even know the real trigger, it’s so sudden it attacks when you least expect it even if you are cautious. As soon as you let your guard down best believe it’s first in line to attack.

Worst part of it all is that I feel so guilty just even thinking about it, or doing things just to purely hurt myself. I cannot hide it, I cannot stop it, I can’t even get rid of it. I can get help for it, I can suppress it but it’ll never fully go away. I know I’m not alone, but I will always feel alone.

Image was found on Pinterest

Question of the day: what is you’re favourite type of flower?

I have survived

I don’t know about you but it certainly has been a crazy week for me.

my surgery went well and I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, which pains me so much. Now i have answers and instead of putting everything on hold not knowing why i’m in a great deal of pain I can now be treated.

Although during the week not even 48 hours after my surgery I ended back up in hospital at 11pm I did a pee test and the doctors ran a blood test, everything seemed normal but the urine test came back and said I had an infection …

Like, what!

I was prescribed some medication and went home at 3am only to go back for an ultrasound at 11:30am, it was a lot but I did it. I continued crying in pain for several days. Turns out I just needed to move my bowels haha. After I did so I felt like a new woman, I could move and not walk around looking like I was a pregnant lady. But hey if I didn’t go back up to the hospital they wouldn’t have found the infection.

Another update I have a new job!!

I am a cleaning lady at a lodge. Now you’re probably thinking ‘cleaning lady? how low in life are you in to be a cleaning lady?’ well actually after being in retail my whole working life I did a training day before my surgery and I loved it, the people there are super friendly, I’m not forced to interact or to talk to anyone. It is quite an independent job you just get there and do what you need to do! (surprisingly it pays really well too).

As for my art it is now due in 10 days and I’m no where close to finishing nor do I have everything I need to finish it. I still need A2 black paper and a frame. I keep panicking about this project making me procrastinate. Hopefully I’ll be close to finishing by the end of the week!

I’m back now! So if you’d like to chat follow and message my instagram @simplymessymind or email me at emma@simplymessymind.com

Question of the day is: do you prefer to be outside or inside and why?

I got the picture off of Pinterest, from the website http://www.fosterthefamilyblog.com/foster-the-family-blog-1/this-day-was-the-worst

Seasonal Depression?

Has anyone else been feeling tired? not just needing to go to bed and falling alseep tired but everything you need to do tired.

It’s been a struggle for a week now going to sleep at 3 or 4am and then oversleeping till 2 or 3pm then only getting out of bed for food or to go toliet.

Getting out of bed and being awake is so exhausting. The brain functioning and doing it’s normal job it’s like you’ve just tan a marathon even though you’ve just woken up.

I tend not to eat during this time. It’s either because I actually forgot or I wake up to late that I only have dinner and that’s my only meal. I don’t mean to starve myself I can’t help it, food is just not on the important list for when I’m awake.

It is winter here in Australia so it’s going to be more difficult to get out of bed that it already is. Even though the cold and rain is the best part of it all, the worst thing is that it’s the biggest excuse to be in bed.

Getting up to make a coffee or hot chocolate then returning back to bed under the warm blankets giving the comforting hug you’ve always wanted, laying down watching a movie and watching your phone.

Sounds ideal!

For me it’s the worst.

I already struggle getting out of bed, having to go out or simply just walking out of my room. That sense of comfort is like a black heavy weighted blanket. At first it’s nice and relaxing but soon turns into a cage. If I leave the anxiety, the paranoia kicks in. “what is out there?” “what is someone is watching me?”

But during this time the overthinking kicks in “my face is too round,” “I don’t look pretty enough,” it’s a never ending cycle and it only gets worse. You could call this seasonal depression, I deal with this everyday no matter the time or season it just so happens to worsen throughout this time.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have a job, no friends to hang out with, and it’s cold so I don’t want to be outside. I try my best to go out and not make the excuse of being busy (I may not look busy, but my mind is in overdrive).

The image is from Pinterest

Tarot

what is it?

The tarot is a pack of playing cards, used from the mid-15th century in various parts of Europe to play, such as Italian Tarocchini, French Tarot and Austrian Königeufen, many which are still played today.

I’ve recently bought my own deck of tarot cards, The Antique Anatomy Tarot. It gives off very victorian era vibes, with its unique picture designs and colours. Each card has its own meaning, by shuffling and pulling out a couple of cards you can give a message (reading). obviously it’s a bit more complicated than that.

Since I know very little about tarot, over the past couple of days Ive put a lot of energy into writing down notes and learning about it. Today I was shuffling the deck, just simply putting my energy into the cards. As I was doing that a card fell out. It was 8 of coins (pentacles) upright. Meaning: ‘you are working hard to improve your skills and become a master at what you do, and now you are applying sheer determination and concentration to master the new skill you are learning.’

I know…

Coincidence or not that singular card fell on my lap (literally). I’ve always wanted to be able to give readings or just connect closer to spirituality. As well I know crystals are also a good step to take, especially since I want to start my journey as a baby witch.

Now at this point you are either reading this thinking ‘wow she’s crazy, what drugs is she on’ or ‘ooo I want to learn more, and joing her journey.’ Simply either interesting or not. But I am starting a new journey, and I’m so excited to share anything I experience.

The Antique Anatomy Tarot, I got off of Esty, by Suzanne.

My question for you is: Are you more religious or spiritual?

Mental Health Part 3

OCD

An anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and ritualized, repetitive behaviours you feel compelled to perform.

Mine was worse when I needed to get ready for school in the morning. I had a specific routine, and if I for some reason did it out of order or I started it too late, well lets just say the manipulative thoughts would be scary.

My routine:

  • Wake up at 7:30am
  • look through phone for 5-10 minutes (answer messages)
  • do makeup
  • do hair
  • get changed

Now this may look like a small routine but if it wasn’t done properly so many thoughts would attack me, “do you really want everyone to die?, now that you didn’t do it you will slip over today killing yourself.” Like I said they were awful.

There was curb I would walk over every morning at school, if my right foot didn’t go over it properly or if my breathing was slightly off, my mind get ‘offended’ attacking me once again.

Yes I do have perfectionism as well, an overwhelming fear of making mistakes. An intense need for things to be “perfect” or “done right” may or may not be accompanied by a fear that harm will come to oneself or others if things are not done perfectly.

This one I’ve had since I was little, I had to clean my room because I’m the only one who knows where everything goes and if someone else cleans it I have an anxiety attack. My books have to be sorted in height order, regular pend and coloured ones have to be in separate draws. Just to name a few.

Some people think OCD is just perfectionism, everything needs to be in order and in perfect placement … Sadly that’s not the case, what they don’t know is the daily agony we suffer, basically self torture and it’s not a once a week occurrence.

Photo is from Pinterest by Guddi

My question for you today is have you experienced OCD?

Mental Health Part 2

Depression

You’ve heard the saying of everything being suffocating, being weighted down chained to the bed. Yes that is correct. But everyone deals with it differently.

I was diagnosed at the age of 13. I loved singing, drawing, going to school just normal hobbies. I can’t quite put a finger on what triggered my depression to start but it’s definitely passed down genetically. All of a sudden I stopped doing everything, the only thing I found enjoyment in was sleeping, pretending like I don’t exist.

The fake smile and happiness was exhausting but the most draining part was actually existing.

Having to wake up, lifting my weighted eyelids only to see the intense sunlight was torture. Having my brain to rewire as if I was a robot, learning how to move. Laying in bed on my side I was safe I was curled into a ball like an armadillo my shell being my blanket. Knowing what’s to happen, and how much energy I has to consist in order to be socially acceptable hurt my brain. What actually happened most was, I would over think every possible scenario that can happen in order to absolutely scare myself that I would throw up in fear and anxiety. That would be my excuse to stay at home. An excuse that would happen every morning before school.

My anxiety and depression are best friends like Kevin Heart and The Rock. My anxiety so small but it would laugh at me with its self deprecating jokes. MY depression so big and strong it weighs me down. Put both of them I’m a laughing stock to myself.

It didn’t help that my dad didn’t believe mental health exists and yet when he stayed at home he’d tell me that “he’s having a mental health day,” … yes I wish I was joking. I was so afraid to coming out of my room I became so sick very quickly.

When ever I was at my mum’s house I would make depressive jokes, even suicidal ones. She would tag along saying “oh stop it and get up,” I would laugh it off but inside I questioned wow would anyone even care if I just left?

At school I laughed a little less everyday but enough to make everyone not worry about me.

I’m not a selfish person at all I couldn’t care less what is happening to me so long as everyone else is having fun and is ok.

Which is a dangerous thing but I know how it feels to have no one when you’re about to leave everything.

I still struggle to this day keeping myself alive and existing. I only shower once a week but that’s if its a good week. I could easily go weeks without having a shower. Its so exhausting cleaning yourself, if you don’t understand you really have no say on how disgusting I am or it is. I’m a little better with cleaning, I clean about twice a week, it would get to a point where I’d start to panic about it.

Growing up having your mum threaten to clean your room if you don’t I get so paranoid. My room will come to a state and I could be doing anything and a trigger would set in and it’s almost like I panic clean. It’s nothing major but knowing that someone is going to come into my space not knowing where everything goes, I go into a head spin.

It’s like you’ve finish a project for school or work that you’ve put all of your time and energy into only to find it destroyed or have gone missing. Your natural instinct is to panic.

That’s how I feel.

Depression is so silent and suffocating one day you seem fine asking yourself ‘is it finally over? am I now free?’ only to find out that night or the next day that it never left it was there waiting fir you to feel vulnerable.

my depression took over me that I had to be put on medication to ease the strangulation, so I can finally take a breath.

Photo is from Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is what do you do on your mental health days?

Mental Health Part 1

Anxiety

People who barely know me or just met me think I’m socially awkward and have major anxiety issues or maybe they don’t even think that.

I’ve always had anxiety since I was a kid. It was mistaken with shyness, although I was terribly shy. I had the old panic attacks and the shaking, always needing to have at least one person I know next to me or near me.

I don’t remember much from my childhood in New Zealand, it was all quite a blur.

I do remember at school, I would’ve been year 2 and on Friday mornings we would have this thing called Jumping Jam, having music going and we would have our dance routine to the songs and dance to it. There were a couple of times with all the fast pace movements around me, the loud talking and the roaring music, I would have really bad panic attacks. I would go to my comfort person (which would’ve been my cousin) and she’d take me outside and calm me down and stay outside with me till the whole Jumping Jam was finished or till that song was done.

With my anxiety since I have suffered from when I was a child there have been many coping mechanisms, such as daydreaming which later on developed to maladaptive daydreaming.

‘Maladaptive daydreaming is a condition that causes intense daydreaming that distracts a person from their real life. Many times, real-life events trigger day dreams’. -Healthline

Highschool in Australia was an absolute nightmare.

I was the type of kid at school where I was quiet but when I’m with someone I’m comfortable I was so loud. I could talk to the “popular” kids and the “non-popular” kids, I was the middle ground. It was actually really stressing at times. During year 8 things went down hill, the bullying started, I couldn’t sit in class without my legs or hands shaking. I developed a hair picking habit, where during class I would sit there for 50 minutes just plucking out individual pieces of hair. Now one side of my hair is lighter than the other.

I was also the type of kid who self analysis everything about their self. I had such high standards about myself I almost had to be perfect no matter where I went. At my dad’s house I had to be like a 7 year old, I had to cover myself from head to toe, I had no independence (he is homophobic so I couldn’t have many friends over as most if not all of my friends are apart of the LGBTQ+ community), I also had to listen to him and couldn’t stand up for myself. At mums I felt like I had to be girly, had to have makeup on most of the time, dress in dresses, and almost be the girl she couldn’t be when she was my age. At school I felt like I had to act different within each group of people I talk to.

With this anxiety of trying to be perfect and living up to everyone’s expectations I really tried so hard, I burned-out. I lost who I am as an individual, I lost many friends and important people.

Besides all of this loss and agony, screaming in self pity unable to cope and seek refuge in this world, in this reality I’ve always had one person who has been by my side since day 1. My best friend who I call my sister, Her name is Stella. We all need a Stella in our life.

Her name means ‘star’ and she most defiantly is, she is someone who is the opposite as me but understands me in a way no one else does. No matter what I’m dealing with or what is happening in that given moment she will drop everything she’s doing and make sure I’m ok.

Now this year, not being at school and having medication to help me I went to a physiatrist. He told me I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), I have crippling anxiety and social anxiety, depression with suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

There’s a difference between PTSD and C-PTSD

PTSD: a disorder characterised by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. this condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.

C-PTSD: a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling emotions. feeling very angry or distressful towards the world.

The photo is from Pinterest by Cosmopolitan (trapped in my own mind)

Comment if you would like to hear a story or want me to talk about a topic.

My question for you today is what was the biggest challenge in your life?