Mental Health Part 7

Suicidal thoughts and Tendencies

⚠️ Warning (by the title I hope to assume you know what this post is going to be about)

I’ve been struggling from this mental disorder since I was 12, around about the time when my depression was starting to impact my daily life.

It’s a horrible thing to experience both mentally and physically. I, myself tend to pick at my skin on my hands mainly between my thumb and pointer finger. At first I do it to soothe myself when I’m feeling anxious, but then I continue to do it without noticing making my hand go red and sore at times make it bleed. My main struggle is not eating, I purposely sleep all day right up to 3pm just so I don’t eat as a form of self harm, this also leads to my eating disorder.

I’m actually quite good when it comes to self harming, I’m thankful that I can snap out of it quickly and not act upon it (unless it’s do to with eating I haven’t improved nor had it worsened).

However, I’m always haunted by the thoughts. See I’m the type of person to know that it’s a bad thing but I’m in so much pain I’d much rather leave. So as those throughts race around in a constant circle another tab of thoughts are open and on repeat it tells me how worthless I am, how if I died it wouldn’t be such a big dead. At the same time I have really graphic images and scenes about how I could end it all or the lead up to it. While all of that is going on I end up having server panic attacks.

Now you’re probably thinking, ‘why doesn’t she just talk to someone about it?’

Well I did

Once…

I hate going to counselling or therapy because I just end up lying and not telling them how bad I actually am. I couldn’t talk to my dad about it because he doesn’t believe in meantal health, and I couldn’t talk to my mum because then she’ll start blaming herself. I do talk to my friends about it but I don’t want them to worry about me so I just tell them half the story. It’s so hard to talk about when you don’t even know the real trigger, it’s so sudden it attacks when you least expect it even if you are cautious. As soon as you let your guard down best believe it’s first in line to attack.

Worst part of it all is that I feel so guilty just even thinking about it, or doing things just to purely hurt myself. I cannot hide it, I cannot stop it, I can’t even get rid of it. I can get help for it, I can suppress it but it’ll never fully go away. I know I’m not alone, but I will always feel alone.

Image was found on Pinterest

Question of the day: what is you’re favourite type of flower?

Seasonal Depression?

Has anyone else been feeling tired? not just needing to go to bed and falling alseep tired but everything you need to do tired.

It’s been a struggle for a week now going to sleep at 3 or 4am and then oversleeping till 2 or 3pm then only getting out of bed for food or to go toliet.

Getting out of bed and being awake is so exhausting. The brain functioning and doing it’s normal job it’s like you’ve just tan a marathon even though you’ve just woken up.

I tend not to eat during this time. It’s either because I actually forgot or I wake up to late that I only have dinner and that’s my only meal. I don’t mean to starve myself I can’t help it, food is just not on the important list for when I’m awake.

It is winter here in Australia so it’s going to be more difficult to get out of bed that it already is. Even though the cold and rain is the best part of it all, the worst thing is that it’s the biggest excuse to be in bed.

Getting up to make a coffee or hot chocolate then returning back to bed under the warm blankets giving the comforting hug you’ve always wanted, laying down watching a movie and watching your phone.

Sounds ideal!

For me it’s the worst.

I already struggle getting out of bed, having to go out or simply just walking out of my room. That sense of comfort is like a black heavy weighted blanket. At first it’s nice and relaxing but soon turns into a cage. If I leave the anxiety, the paranoia kicks in. “what is out there?” “what is someone is watching me?”

But during this time the overthinking kicks in “my face is too round,” “I don’t look pretty enough,” it’s a never ending cycle and it only gets worse. You could call this seasonal depression, I deal with this everyday no matter the time or season it just so happens to worsen throughout this time.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have a job, no friends to hang out with, and it’s cold so I don’t want to be outside. I try my best to go out and not make the excuse of being busy (I may not look busy, but my mind is in overdrive).

The image is from Pinterest

Mental Health Part 4

Eating Disorder

It’s terrifying, not only to look at, but to be trapped by it.

Living with my dad I never really had nutritious foods, or anything that’ll keep a child interested in having food. Being in a blended family is hard enough. What’s even worse is boundaries with food.

Growing up my brother and I had a rule that school snacks should only last us a week and if we ate everything before the next shop we wouldn’t have any food.

Solid rule if I don’t say so myself. But having another family not following that rule getting food handed to them left right and center and only them, it was unfair.

My dad was not a cook and he never made the effort to, so our week of dinner foods were:

  • Monday- Ravioli
  • Tuesday- Tacos
  • Wednesday- Spaghetti Bolognese
  • Thursday- Take away night
  • Friday- Burgers
  • Saturday- Fried rice
  • Sunday- Sausages

over 4 years having these means every week I stopped eating dinner. I was never a breakfast person, in fact I’m still not. eventually all the school snacks were eaten in the house (not like we got anything good). So eventually I stopped eating not because I wanted to my body refused to have the same foods over and over again.

The only thing I was eating were watermelon flavoured chewing gum, and anything I could get off friends at school. I hated eating at school, my anxiety was so bad I would refuse to eat.

This was when i was 12-15. I chose to stay at my dads permanently but I couldn’t deal with being like this. I was sick everyday, so brittle, so fragile, I was sick every morning I couldn’t stomach anything down. So I decided to see my mum every second weekend.

This all came to an end when my dad kicked me out of home and I started living with my mum.

Another thing was body issues, I hated eating when I lived at my mums. There is one thing I’ll never forget that my mum once said to me. I tried on my dress for my year 12 ball dance we call a social, I already hated the dress but I walked out of my room, and showed my mum and she said “you might need to lose a little bit of weight around your stomach.” I kept my cool until i shut my door behind me in my room.

I didn’t want to eat anything and when I did I over ate. I was made fun of when I did exercise, I found it difficult because of my abnormal heart beat which effected my breathing and over all fitness. No one understood and it’s a family inside “joke” that I hate sports. I actually would love to get back into doing sports but I can’t I end up not breathing.

I still struggle till this day with eating. At times I will wake up in the evening and sleep all day just so I can skip meals. I have gotten a lot better than where I was 6 years ago.

Photo was found on Pinterest by flickr.com

My question for you is: “what is your favourite food/meal?”