Mental Health Part 7

Suicidal thoughts and Tendencies

⚠️ Warning (by the title I hope to assume you know what this post is going to be about)

I’ve been struggling from this mental disorder since I was 12, around about the time when my depression was starting to impact my daily life.

It’s a horrible thing to experience both mentally and physically. I, myself tend to pick at my skin on my hands mainly between my thumb and pointer finger. At first I do it to soothe myself when I’m feeling anxious, but then I continue to do it without noticing making my hand go red and sore at times make it bleed. My main struggle is not eating, I purposely sleep all day right up to 3pm just so I don’t eat as a form of self harm, this also leads to my eating disorder.

I’m actually quite good when it comes to self harming, I’m thankful that I can snap out of it quickly and not act upon it (unless it’s do to with eating I haven’t improved nor had it worsened).

However, I’m always haunted by the thoughts. See I’m the type of person to know that it’s a bad thing but I’m in so much pain I’d much rather leave. So as those throughts race around in a constant circle another tab of thoughts are open and on repeat it tells me how worthless I am, how if I died it wouldn’t be such a big dead. At the same time I have really graphic images and scenes about how I could end it all or the lead up to it. While all of that is going on I end up having server panic attacks.

Now you’re probably thinking, ‘why doesn’t she just talk to someone about it?’

Well I did

Once…

I hate going to counselling or therapy because I just end up lying and not telling them how bad I actually am. I couldn’t talk to my dad about it because he doesn’t believe in meantal health, and I couldn’t talk to my mum because then she’ll start blaming herself. I do talk to my friends about it but I don’t want them to worry about me so I just tell them half the story. It’s so hard to talk about when you don’t even know the real trigger, it’s so sudden it attacks when you least expect it even if you are cautious. As soon as you let your guard down best believe it’s first in line to attack.

Worst part of it all is that I feel so guilty just even thinking about it, or doing things just to purely hurt myself. I cannot hide it, I cannot stop it, I can’t even get rid of it. I can get help for it, I can suppress it but it’ll never fully go away. I know I’m not alone, but I will always feel alone.

Image was found on Pinterest

Question of the day: what is you’re favourite type of flower?

Seasonal Depression?

Has anyone else been feeling tired? not just needing to go to bed and falling alseep tired but everything you need to do tired.

It’s been a struggle for a week now going to sleep at 3 or 4am and then oversleeping till 2 or 3pm then only getting out of bed for food or to go toliet.

Getting out of bed and being awake is so exhausting. The brain functioning and doing it’s normal job it’s like you’ve just tan a marathon even though you’ve just woken up.

I tend not to eat during this time. It’s either because I actually forgot or I wake up to late that I only have dinner and that’s my only meal. I don’t mean to starve myself I can’t help it, food is just not on the important list for when I’m awake.

It is winter here in Australia so it’s going to be more difficult to get out of bed that it already is. Even though the cold and rain is the best part of it all, the worst thing is that it’s the biggest excuse to be in bed.

Getting up to make a coffee or hot chocolate then returning back to bed under the warm blankets giving the comforting hug you’ve always wanted, laying down watching a movie and watching your phone.

Sounds ideal!

For me it’s the worst.

I already struggle getting out of bed, having to go out or simply just walking out of my room. That sense of comfort is like a black heavy weighted blanket. At first it’s nice and relaxing but soon turns into a cage. If I leave the anxiety, the paranoia kicks in. “what is out there?” “what is someone is watching me?”

But during this time the overthinking kicks in “my face is too round,” “I don’t look pretty enough,” it’s a never ending cycle and it only gets worse. You could call this seasonal depression, I deal with this everyday no matter the time or season it just so happens to worsen throughout this time.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have a job, no friends to hang out with, and it’s cold so I don’t want to be outside. I try my best to go out and not make the excuse of being busy (I may not look busy, but my mind is in overdrive).

The image is from Pinterest

Mental Health Part 2

Depression

You’ve heard the saying of everything being suffocating, being weighted down chained to the bed. Yes that is correct. But everyone deals with it differently.

I was diagnosed at the age of 13. I loved singing, drawing, going to school just normal hobbies. I can’t quite put a finger on what triggered my depression to start but it’s definitely passed down genetically. All of a sudden I stopped doing everything, the only thing I found enjoyment in was sleeping, pretending like I don’t exist.

The fake smile and happiness was exhausting but the most draining part was actually existing.

Having to wake up, lifting my weighted eyelids only to see the intense sunlight was torture. Having my brain to rewire as if I was a robot, learning how to move. Laying in bed on my side I was safe I was curled into a ball like an armadillo my shell being my blanket. Knowing what’s to happen, and how much energy I has to consist in order to be socially acceptable hurt my brain. What actually happened most was, I would over think every possible scenario that can happen in order to absolutely scare myself that I would throw up in fear and anxiety. That would be my excuse to stay at home. An excuse that would happen every morning before school.

My anxiety and depression are best friends like Kevin Heart and The Rock. My anxiety so small but it would laugh at me with its self deprecating jokes. MY depression so big and strong it weighs me down. Put both of them I’m a laughing stock to myself.

It didn’t help that my dad didn’t believe mental health exists and yet when he stayed at home he’d tell me that “he’s having a mental health day,” … yes I wish I was joking. I was so afraid to coming out of my room I became so sick very quickly.

When ever I was at my mum’s house I would make depressive jokes, even suicidal ones. She would tag along saying “oh stop it and get up,” I would laugh it off but inside I questioned wow would anyone even care if I just left?

At school I laughed a little less everyday but enough to make everyone not worry about me.

I’m not a selfish person at all I couldn’t care less what is happening to me so long as everyone else is having fun and is ok.

Which is a dangerous thing but I know how it feels to have no one when you’re about to leave everything.

I still struggle to this day keeping myself alive and existing. I only shower once a week but that’s if its a good week. I could easily go weeks without having a shower. Its so exhausting cleaning yourself, if you don’t understand you really have no say on how disgusting I am or it is. I’m a little better with cleaning, I clean about twice a week, it would get to a point where I’d start to panic about it.

Growing up having your mum threaten to clean your room if you don’t I get so paranoid. My room will come to a state and I could be doing anything and a trigger would set in and it’s almost like I panic clean. It’s nothing major but knowing that someone is going to come into my space not knowing where everything goes, I go into a head spin.

It’s like you’ve finish a project for school or work that you’ve put all of your time and energy into only to find it destroyed or have gone missing. Your natural instinct is to panic.

That’s how I feel.

Depression is so silent and suffocating one day you seem fine asking yourself ‘is it finally over? am I now free?’ only to find out that night or the next day that it never left it was there waiting fir you to feel vulnerable.

my depression took over me that I had to be put on medication to ease the strangulation, so I can finally take a breath.

Photo is from Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is what do you do on your mental health days?

Being Sick 😷

This could be taken one of two ways, being physically sick with a cold or the flu. Or being mentally sick.

What if i told you this whole week I have had both.

I haven’t left my bed for 4 days. Now for those who don’t know me, I don’t leave my bed normally… like at all. I love to lay down on my phone, and I’m quite happy doing so.

But I have come down with a sinus infection and the flu. I am surrounded by my own infectious disease. Yesterday I cleaned all of it up I washed my water bottle I have been drinking from I had a shower! It wasn’t enough. Today, I feel worse. There’s more tissues, my room is back to being a mess and I have no energy to do anything.

That’s just my physical illness that I’ve had to delt with this week. Let me tell you how my mental illness is going.

I haven’t taken my antidepressant in a while. I just forgot. That’s it, I have so many things going on in my mind, that I just forgot to take them one day. Which lead to two days, which lead to three weeks, which lead to a month. Now the first week I forgot to take them I felt ok, in fact I was absolutely fine.

I was still going out, I wanted to have fun. Until a couple of memories I suppressed appeared. I am trying almost to hard to drown them out, making me realise it’s getting bad again.

As well, my mum had her wedding on the weekend, and I drunk my heart out because why not it’s a wedding.

I went back yesterday to pick up some of my stuff I left at my mums house and she told me “I should watch my drinking,” now this may mean nothing but I got really down by this comment, and it’s not the first time I’ve felt this way.

People always encourage me to have fun, to go out and live life. So when I do, it’s always the next day or the day after, someone will say ‘keep an eye on yourself’ or ‘I can’t believe you did this thing’. To me it honestly feels like I can have fun without someone judging me.

Yet I’m trying so hard to put myself out there to have fun. Of course I am aware of the dangers, I am a highly paranoid person (which is a huge reason why I don’t go out).

So this week has been hard on me with nothing to do but think and lay in bed. Nothing but blowing my nose and relive memories.

My question for you is, How often do you get physically sick?