My life right now

Hey all

Sorry that I have been so absent lately there has been a couple things going on that I’m really stressed about and been busy doing, so let me fill you in on what’s been happening.

First up I have entered in the art competition in my town which I have been procrastinating/working so hard on. To give you a general idea it’s on A3 piece of white paper and I have drawn a person with a shocked expression on their face and behind them is a brain that’s zoomed up on showing different types of mental disorders. I originally did this in my year 11 art class and I was so proud of my work I thought I would try it again but gain recognition for it. I haven’t entered the grand prize, if you win you receive 20k and other prizes are $1000 I’m selling my work for $250 (from memory).

I’m very excited for this, the due date is next month so I will keep you updated on how I go.

Next thing is friends, recently I have found these two girls who are awsome and have my whole heart. We go on car rides screaming out sad songs, vibe, and get so many frozen cokes. Our friendship is only new but us three get along so well our personalities just fit together like a puzzle piece (so cliche i know) but that’s how I feel. For a while now I been trying so hard to make friends try and hang out with them but nothing really happened. One of these girls start to message me and not even a week later I meet her other friend and now we all talk every night. Nothing was forced, we laugh all the time (besides when we’re sad) and it’s just what I’ve been needing.

⚠️warning next paragraph I talk about periods and blood.

Lastly I have surgery next week monday and I am so scared. For 4 years now I’ve been having such trouble with my period. At first it was irregular not that painful but it was ok. 6 months go by and I start to have the really bad period cramps, my mum explained to me how she used to be like that too so I thought it was normal. I go to the doctors and got the contraceptive pill to help my pain but no matter which type I took I had terrible reactions. I have hives all up my arms, rashes around my chest, and a bit of both around my neck. So I stopped taking them.

But it only got worse.

After school I had choir or other activities so I would have to wait out front to get picked up, most of the time I could barely stand, my body was so weak I was constantly faint and nauseated at times I had to stay I home all I could do was scream in pain. The only thing is that the pain wasn’t the problem, it was also the amount of blood that was passing. A normal period last about 7-10 days right? well mine would last up to 5-9 weeks straight then I would have about a 3 day-1 week of nothing, but then I’ll start bleeding again. I couldn’t take it I had been to the doctors but they said nothing was wrong but I knew something was so I kept going back. They said it was an anaemic thing (a condition in which there is a deficiency of red cells or of haemoglobin in the blood, resulting in pallor and weariness).

I started taking iron supplements which worked well for my coldsores but that’s not what it was meant for. I ended up going to the hospital to get the rod implant in my arm which is another contraceptive but that didn’t work either. The doctors then told me I have a high chance of having endometriosis (A disorder in which tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside the uterus.With endometriosis, the tissue can be found on the ovaries, fallopian tubes or the intestines). I’ve heard about this before but I would never think I could possibly have this.

I’ve been up all night thinking, crying, tossing and turning.

‘I want to have my own children… but what if that’s not possible now?’

‘Will my boyfriend now leave me because I may not be able to produce children?’

‘How long do I have to suffer from this pain for?’

‘What if nothing is wrong with me and I just waisted everyone’s time with my pain?’

There’s so many more things I over think about but these are my main 4. I can’t stop it my anxiety has been let lose I haven’t been able to sleep and when I do I don’t remeber actually falling asleep, I pass out from exhaustion, my face littered in coldsores I can’t contain the spreading. 5 days left I don’t know how much longer I can be like this, I have so many questions that need answering, my patience is no longer with me I need to know what I have to deal with now.

Again I’m so sorry for being inactive, once my surgery is done I’ll try my best to come back and have a routine. As always I’ll keep you updated on everything.

Image is from Pinterest, the website is https://goldgirlsdiary.wordpress.com/2020/08/30/fotos-naturales-que-te-tendrian-que-hacer-sin-avisar/amp/

Hope you’re all having a wonderful day where ever you are.

Stay safe x

Seasonal Depression?

Has anyone else been feeling tired? not just needing to go to bed and falling alseep tired but everything you need to do tired.

It’s been a struggle for a week now going to sleep at 3 or 4am and then oversleeping till 2 or 3pm then only getting out of bed for food or to go toliet.

Getting out of bed and being awake is so exhausting. The brain functioning and doing it’s normal job it’s like you’ve just tan a marathon even though you’ve just woken up.

I tend not to eat during this time. It’s either because I actually forgot or I wake up to late that I only have dinner and that’s my only meal. I don’t mean to starve myself I can’t help it, food is just not on the important list for when I’m awake.

It is winter here in Australia so it’s going to be more difficult to get out of bed that it already is. Even though the cold and rain is the best part of it all, the worst thing is that it’s the biggest excuse to be in bed.

Getting up to make a coffee or hot chocolate then returning back to bed under the warm blankets giving the comforting hug you’ve always wanted, laying down watching a movie and watching your phone.

Sounds ideal!

For me it’s the worst.

I already struggle getting out of bed, having to go out or simply just walking out of my room. That sense of comfort is like a black heavy weighted blanket. At first it’s nice and relaxing but soon turns into a cage. If I leave the anxiety, the paranoia kicks in. “what is out there?” “what is someone is watching me?”

But during this time the overthinking kicks in “my face is too round,” “I don’t look pretty enough,” it’s a never ending cycle and it only gets worse. You could call this seasonal depression, I deal with this everyday no matter the time or season it just so happens to worsen throughout this time.

It doesn’t help that I don’t have a job, no friends to hang out with, and it’s cold so I don’t want to be outside. I try my best to go out and not make the excuse of being busy (I may not look busy, but my mind is in overdrive).

The image is from Pinterest

Disruptive thought

I’m in my head having the best time, partying by myself pretending I have friends around we’re all drinking, listening to music, having fun.

I sit down and it stops

The realisation hits. I come back. I look around seeing no one, alcohol in my hand and the music so loud I know my neighbors are annoyed.

I look at my socials, everyone hanging out with someone. I look around me and I have no one.

I’ve been trying so hard to connect with people, Ive been trying so hard to gain and form friendships, but there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something. What’s so bad about me that no one wants me.

I always have someone around me so my thought’s don’t slip, thoughts that make death so comfortable I want to rest in it’s arms. Since I have no one most of the time I’ve create comfort characters like a child that distract me, that make me feel like I am worth something. But I’m 18 that’s not normal… I have to hide it so people don’t see me as weird and crazy

No one asks me to hang out with them and when they say we’ll do something it never happens. Or when it is going to happen of course something comes up so I can’t go. It’s like I’m not meant to have anyone, it feel like the universe does this on purpose.

I guess you can blame separation anxiety for that, not wanting people to leave and yet when they do no matter what you always feel like other relationships/friendships are forces. You’re constantly judging yourself because they’re the only person you talk to so of course they’ll get annoyed at you, so of course they’ll leave.

I got the image from Pinterest by Flickr.com

Wattpad

Hey all,

I’ve decided to post my full story on wattpad, thank you for the two people who convinced me too they know who they are 😉.

So if you’re interested I will be posting weekly! starting from next week. I haven’t chosen which day since I may be getting a Job soon my routine will be based around my schedule.

Follow @SimplyMessyMind or my story is called ‘The Castles Unspoken Secrets’

If you don’t know what it is about I would recommend finding my two other posts, they are simplified versions of what’s in the chapters. Otherwise here’s the blurb.

From supernatural to love this story follows a girl named Ivory Shaw, who has lost her parents and can no longer stay with her aunty. Arriving at her new boarding school, with new friends and a potential love interest, Ivory won’t be able to tell what is real anymore.

Thank you!!!

if you have any questions follow my socials or email me

Snapchat: amazingemma48

Instagram: simplymessymind

email: emma@simplymessymind.com

Life update

I’ve been super busy, but at the same time I haven’t been doing anything.

There’s not a lot of creativity flowing through me to write, but I have so much to say. It’s even worse when I have to speak and write so carefully that no explosions of emotions come hitting me all at once by various people.

Although I have entered into an art competition… so that’s exciting, the piece I am drawing I did a couple of years ago but school doesn’t have it anymore so I think it’s a good time to grab some paper going back to my roots and draw.

I have also been given loads of opportunities to become an ambassador for over 9 companies, they vary from clothing, sunglasses, jewellery to bathbooms. I have accepted to as many as I can If you’d like to see or know more follow my instagram @emma.schimanski or my snapchat @amazingemma48.

I’ve also been house sitting for my mum which has been nice, she has a cat called Caius and a dog named Nala. They are both super cuddly and affectionate. Which I struggle with considering I’m allergic to both (dogs more than cats) but I miss my cat Fifi terribly. I think this is the longest I haven’t seen her.

Sorry for not uploading as much I’ve been busy doing everything and nothing for the past couple of weeks. I’ll update you on my artwork, or possibly write a scene from a story.

My question for you today is:

how has your week been?

Small businesses

Recently I have ordered from a shop called ONExLOVE, I’ve asked if I could interview about her and her work. This is to show appreciation to other companies and the hard work they put in.

How old are you and what do you do?

“I am 13!
I own a small business where I sell tons of new things such as embroidered items , screen printed items, hand made item, jewelry, etc..”

how long of a process was it to plan everything out and gathering your equipment?

“I have started this acc a year ago but for thrifting and just lost interest In that so it took me a few months to gather all the equipment!”

How to you manage school/home and work life?

“It’s really difficult but I always put school first and then mu small business. I try to be really focus but still take time for myself.”

what sparked the inspiration to make a small business?

“What sparked my inspiration were other small businesses on insta, and I really appreciated their hard work.”

Who helps you out the most (mum, dad, friends, etc)?

“I would say my mom helps me the most with dropping off my packages for me but my dad definitely helps me with advice and whenever I have a problem to fix , but I appreciate both of them and their help.”

how do you plan to grow/ what are you’re future ideas with you’re growing business?

“I plan to create more trendy pieces and handmade tops very soon!”

What has been the best part about it all?

“The best part has been encountering so many sweet friends and supporters!”

what has been the most difficult part about the business?

“The most difficult part has been able to balance school and work because it gets really overwhelming and stressful. It’s hard to find that good balance between both.”

Follow:

Instagram: @shoppnexlove

Website: https://www.onexlove.us

Tarot

what is it?

The tarot is a pack of playing cards, used from the mid-15th century in various parts of Europe to play, such as Italian Tarocchini, French Tarot and Austrian Königeufen, many which are still played today.

I’ve recently bought my own deck of tarot cards, The Antique Anatomy Tarot. It gives off very victorian era vibes, with its unique picture designs and colours. Each card has its own meaning, by shuffling and pulling out a couple of cards you can give a message (reading). obviously it’s a bit more complicated than that.

Since I know very little about tarot, over the past couple of days Ive put a lot of energy into writing down notes and learning about it. Today I was shuffling the deck, just simply putting my energy into the cards. As I was doing that a card fell out. It was 8 of coins (pentacles) upright. Meaning: ‘you are working hard to improve your skills and become a master at what you do, and now you are applying sheer determination and concentration to master the new skill you are learning.’

I know…

Coincidence or not that singular card fell on my lap (literally). I’ve always wanted to be able to give readings or just connect closer to spirituality. As well I know crystals are also a good step to take, especially since I want to start my journey as a baby witch.

Now at this point you are either reading this thinking ‘wow she’s crazy, what drugs is she on’ or ‘ooo I want to learn more, and joing her journey.’ Simply either interesting or not. But I am starting a new journey, and I’m so excited to share anything I experience.

The Antique Anatomy Tarot, I got off of Esty, by Suzanne.

My question for you is: Are you more religious or spiritual?

Story By Image

Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to pick out a picture out from my search on safari ‘Photo prompt for writing’. The Image shown above was the one he chose so here is what I wrote. I did no drafts or planning I just wrote the first thing that came in mind.

Comfort In The Storm

It is my time. The fog comforts me, hugging me like it knew. I hold myself as the famous Henry Purcell – Dido’s Lament plays in my head. The song takes control as I roll my head to each beat, my neck and shoulders support me.

The air is damp, cold. Today the clouds sit upon the earth, as if they decided that the heavens were down here instead. The trees are veiled in the lightest of mist, their trunks sombre brown with sable cracks that gnarl the bark. As my eye travels to the edge of the woodland the trees become silhouettes against a blanket of white, as if it is only daylight where I stand, as if I am encircled by twilight.

If I lived any place other than right here, I would pine for these evergreen hills, this forest that has become a vital part of my soul. The pine forest has a time-machine aroma, everyday of the year, it is the very ether of my memories. The pine forest is a home to so many souls of creation and I feel so blessed to hear my heart beat among theirs.

I never let myself see my own fear, for it was ever a disadvantage in the place that I was raised. To cry was to be beaten and scoled. If I cried I’d be “given something to cry about.” The act of crying for my own pain was literally beaten out of me. Suppressed completely. Now decades later, it still is, yet channelled into my creativity, a sort of unwitting energy booster. What I cannot suppress though are these shivers that say I am afraid.

In that shiver was a moment of truth, a story of these emotions that no mask could ever hide.

I’ve always loved the thunder storms. I’ve always loved storm-could-grey. To see them swirling one last time in the heavens, brings a kind of inner glee. I reached up, bringing down a handful of that cosmic swirl, if I could make a fabric from it that was ever-changing as the sky above is right now, I’d wear it forever.

As the infinity cloud swirl levitates from my hand over my head, I feel it. The heavens. The clouds were a kind of grey that would make any quarry rock proud, as if they were so pleased beneath my feet, hidden between the grass they echo the earth. All of the grey, all that swirling, my vision became a blur, but I trusted this storm to take me where I need to go. The condensation was bound to happen sooner rather than later.

Comment your thoughts 🙂

Mental Health Part 3

OCD

An anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and ritualized, repetitive behaviours you feel compelled to perform.

Mine was worse when I needed to get ready for school in the morning. I had a specific routine, and if I for some reason did it out of order or I started it too late, well lets just say the manipulative thoughts would be scary.

My routine:

  • Wake up at 7:30am
  • look through phone for 5-10 minutes (answer messages)
  • do makeup
  • do hair
  • get changed

Now this may look like a small routine but if it wasn’t done properly so many thoughts would attack me, “do you really want everyone to die?, now that you didn’t do it you will slip over today killing yourself.” Like I said they were awful.

There was curb I would walk over every morning at school, if my right foot didn’t go over it properly or if my breathing was slightly off, my mind get ‘offended’ attacking me once again.

Yes I do have perfectionism as well, an overwhelming fear of making mistakes. An intense need for things to be “perfect” or “done right” may or may not be accompanied by a fear that harm will come to oneself or others if things are not done perfectly.

This one I’ve had since I was little, I had to clean my room because I’m the only one who knows where everything goes and if someone else cleans it I have an anxiety attack. My books have to be sorted in height order, regular pend and coloured ones have to be in separate draws. Just to name a few.

Some people think OCD is just perfectionism, everything needs to be in order and in perfect placement … Sadly that’s not the case, what they don’t know is the daily agony we suffer, basically self torture and it’s not a once a week occurrence.

Photo is from Pinterest by Guddi

My question for you today is have you experienced OCD?

Mental Health Part 2

Depression

You’ve heard the saying of everything being suffocating, being weighted down chained to the bed. Yes that is correct. But everyone deals with it differently.

I was diagnosed at the age of 13. I loved singing, drawing, going to school just normal hobbies. I can’t quite put a finger on what triggered my depression to start but it’s definitely passed down genetically. All of a sudden I stopped doing everything, the only thing I found enjoyment in was sleeping, pretending like I don’t exist.

The fake smile and happiness was exhausting but the most draining part was actually existing.

Having to wake up, lifting my weighted eyelids only to see the intense sunlight was torture. Having my brain to rewire as if I was a robot, learning how to move. Laying in bed on my side I was safe I was curled into a ball like an armadillo my shell being my blanket. Knowing what’s to happen, and how much energy I has to consist in order to be socially acceptable hurt my brain. What actually happened most was, I would over think every possible scenario that can happen in order to absolutely scare myself that I would throw up in fear and anxiety. That would be my excuse to stay at home. An excuse that would happen every morning before school.

My anxiety and depression are best friends like Kevin Heart and The Rock. My anxiety so small but it would laugh at me with its self deprecating jokes. MY depression so big and strong it weighs me down. Put both of them I’m a laughing stock to myself.

It didn’t help that my dad didn’t believe mental health exists and yet when he stayed at home he’d tell me that “he’s having a mental health day,” … yes I wish I was joking. I was so afraid to coming out of my room I became so sick very quickly.

When ever I was at my mum’s house I would make depressive jokes, even suicidal ones. She would tag along saying “oh stop it and get up,” I would laugh it off but inside I questioned wow would anyone even care if I just left?

At school I laughed a little less everyday but enough to make everyone not worry about me.

I’m not a selfish person at all I couldn’t care less what is happening to me so long as everyone else is having fun and is ok.

Which is a dangerous thing but I know how it feels to have no one when you’re about to leave everything.

I still struggle to this day keeping myself alive and existing. I only shower once a week but that’s if its a good week. I could easily go weeks without having a shower. Its so exhausting cleaning yourself, if you don’t understand you really have no say on how disgusting I am or it is. I’m a little better with cleaning, I clean about twice a week, it would get to a point where I’d start to panic about it.

Growing up having your mum threaten to clean your room if you don’t I get so paranoid. My room will come to a state and I could be doing anything and a trigger would set in and it’s almost like I panic clean. It’s nothing major but knowing that someone is going to come into my space not knowing where everything goes, I go into a head spin.

It’s like you’ve finish a project for school or work that you’ve put all of your time and energy into only to find it destroyed or have gone missing. Your natural instinct is to panic.

That’s how I feel.

Depression is so silent and suffocating one day you seem fine asking yourself ‘is it finally over? am I now free?’ only to find out that night or the next day that it never left it was there waiting fir you to feel vulnerable.

my depression took over me that I had to be put on medication to ease the strangulation, so I can finally take a breath.

Photo is from Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is what do you do on your mental health days?