Mental Health Part 1

Anxiety

People who barely know me or just met me think I’m socially awkward and have major anxiety issues or maybe they don’t even think that.

I’ve always had anxiety since I was a kid. It was mistaken with shyness, although I was terribly shy. I had the old panic attacks and the shaking, always needing to have at least one person I know next to me or near me.

I don’t remember much from my childhood in New Zealand, it was all quite a blur.

I do remember at school, I would’ve been year 2 and on Friday mornings we would have this thing called Jumping Jam, having music going and we would have our dance routine to the songs and dance to it. There were a couple of times with all the fast pace movements around me, the loud talking and the roaring music, I would have really bad panic attacks. I would go to my comfort person (which would’ve been my cousin) and she’d take me outside and calm me down and stay outside with me till the whole Jumping Jam was finished or till that song was done.

With my anxiety since I have suffered from when I was a child there have been many coping mechanisms, such as daydreaming which later on developed to maladaptive daydreaming.

‘Maladaptive daydreaming is a condition that causes intense daydreaming that distracts a person from their real life. Many times, real-life events trigger day dreams’. -Healthline

Highschool in Australia was an absolute nightmare.

I was the type of kid at school where I was quiet but when I’m with someone I’m comfortable I was so loud. I could talk to the “popular” kids and the “non-popular” kids, I was the middle ground. It was actually really stressing at times. During year 8 things went down hill, the bullying started, I couldn’t sit in class without my legs or hands shaking. I developed a hair picking habit, where during class I would sit there for 50 minutes just plucking out individual pieces of hair. Now one side of my hair is lighter than the other.

I was also the type of kid who self analysis everything about their self. I had such high standards about myself I almost had to be perfect no matter where I went. At my dad’s house I had to be like a 7 year old, I had to cover myself from head to toe, I had no independence (he is homophobic so I couldn’t have many friends over as most if not all of my friends are apart of the LGBTQ+ community), I also had to listen to him and couldn’t stand up for myself. At mums I felt like I had to be girly, had to have makeup on most of the time, dress in dresses, and almost be the girl she couldn’t be when she was my age. At school I felt like I had to act different within each group of people I talk to.

With this anxiety of trying to be perfect and living up to everyone’s expectations I really tried so hard, I burned-out. I lost who I am as an individual, I lost many friends and important people.

Besides all of this loss and agony, screaming in self pity unable to cope and seek refuge in this world, in this reality I’ve always had one person who has been by my side since day 1. My best friend who I call my sister, Her name is Stella. We all need a Stella in our life.

Her name means ‘star’ and she most defiantly is, she is someone who is the opposite as me but understands me in a way no one else does. No matter what I’m dealing with or what is happening in that given moment she will drop everything she’s doing and make sure I’m ok.

Now this year, not being at school and having medication to help me I went to a physiatrist. He told me I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), I have crippling anxiety and social anxiety, depression with suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

There’s a difference between PTSD and C-PTSD

PTSD: a disorder characterised by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. this condition may last months or years, with triggers that can bring back memories of the trauma accompanied by intense emotional and physical reactions.

C-PTSD: a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling emotions. feeling very angry or distressful towards the world.

The photo is from Pinterest by Cosmopolitan (trapped in my own mind)

Comment if you would like to hear a story or want me to talk about a topic.

My question for you today is what was the biggest challenge in your life?

Shifting

Ok hear me out… SHIFTING!

When you think about it, how mind blowing it is to be in a dream like sate but living in a different reality.

For those who don’t know what Shifting is, let me give you a run down.

So shifting (aka reality shifting) is shifting your consciousness from your current reality (CR) to another reality, typically your desired reality (DR).

This includes lots of practice and patience, as all of your senses including your 5 main ones will be activated in your DR.

Now reading that some of you will think I’m crazy or I’m into some spiritual stuff. Well your not wrong but there’s also a 29 paged document by the United States of America, Department of the Army, proving that shifting realities is real. I have not personally read the document only because I can’t read well but for the logical thinkers out there, that need evidence about it, just search up government document on reality shifting and hopefully you will believe (if not then that’s alright just don’t put others down or make them feel like they shouldn’t be listened to).

I came across desired reality shifting on Tiktok one day, and to be honest I thought it was bullshit too. Until I finally gave in. I saw people talk about what it was like at Hogwarts, Narnia even with the Avengers. They made tiktoks about their conversations and interactions with all the different people. I couldn’t resist. I had to at least try.

With shifting there’s all sorts of methods to use. From a simple meditation to completely relax your body and mind to going to sleep with imagery and the sensation that you are there.

The most common one everyone talks about is the raven method. This method you count to or down from 100 and while you do that you say your affirmations.

Affirmations are basically your motivators. You say these things to yourself, for example:

  1. I am successfully shifting
  2. I have the ability to shift
  3. I give my consciousness permission to shift successfully
  4. I can shift

That’s a very small example but as you repeat these (not I should be shifting, I CAN/AM SHIFT/ING) you will somewhat trick your consciousness into thinking that you have done it before, or it is possible (which it is).

Personally I do my own method, I got a bit from the Julia method. I lay on my back for about 5 minutes as I just let my mind wonder, crack all my knuckles and feel relaxed. After the 5 minutes I have to resist any itchiness, I go over my body starting from my toes telling myself “are my toes relaxed,” when I feel they are I move onto my feet asking the same question. I go all the way up my body right to my forehead and I lay there for another 1-2 minutes. At this point I try and focus my mind and not let it wonder and if it does I slowly change it to where I want to shift to or acknowledge the thought and let it pass. I then proceed to the affirmations, (I say them slowly).

With this, my own method I have felt symptoms.

When I say symptoms I mean twitching, itchiness, a floating or hovering sensation, room spinning or feeling like I am falling. The closest I have gotten was I was floating up and a same likeness feeling of fainting, while my eyes were closed I felt a fuzziness close in and I could see a face only across the eyes so clear. But I suddenly realise what was happening and I stared to have a panic attack so I had to stop.

Shifting can take up from weeks to months, unless you’re lucky and get it on the first couple of tries.

I’ve only been trying for a couple of months now but I have been so close it’s exciting I want to try every night (NOTE: don’t try every night you will only exhaust yourself even more making you less likely to achieve your shifting).

When I do shift best believe you will hear from me the moment I come back to my CR.

Image was found on Pinterest by DeviantArt

My question for you is: have you heard of shifting if so where would you like to shift?

Being Sick 😷

This could be taken one of two ways, being physically sick with a cold or the flu. Or being mentally sick.

What if i told you this whole week I have had both.

I haven’t left my bed for 4 days. Now for those who don’t know me, I don’t leave my bed normally… like at all. I love to lay down on my phone, and I’m quite happy doing so.

But I have come down with a sinus infection and the flu. I am surrounded by my own infectious disease. Yesterday I cleaned all of it up I washed my water bottle I have been drinking from I had a shower! It wasn’t enough. Today, I feel worse. There’s more tissues, my room is back to being a mess and I have no energy to do anything.

That’s just my physical illness that I’ve had to delt with this week. Let me tell you how my mental illness is going.

I haven’t taken my antidepressant in a while. I just forgot. That’s it, I have so many things going on in my mind, that I just forgot to take them one day. Which lead to two days, which lead to three weeks, which lead to a month. Now the first week I forgot to take them I felt ok, in fact I was absolutely fine.

I was still going out, I wanted to have fun. Until a couple of memories I suppressed appeared. I am trying almost to hard to drown them out, making me realise it’s getting bad again.

As well, my mum had her wedding on the weekend, and I drunk my heart out because why not it’s a wedding.

I went back yesterday to pick up some of my stuff I left at my mums house and she told me “I should watch my drinking,” now this may mean nothing but I got really down by this comment, and it’s not the first time I’ve felt this way.

People always encourage me to have fun, to go out and live life. So when I do, it’s always the next day or the day after, someone will say ‘keep an eye on yourself’ or ‘I can’t believe you did this thing’. To me it honestly feels like I can have fun without someone judging me.

Yet I’m trying so hard to put myself out there to have fun. Of course I am aware of the dangers, I am a highly paranoid person (which is a huge reason why I don’t go out).

So this week has been hard on me with nothing to do but think and lay in bed. Nothing but blowing my nose and relive memories.

My question for you is, How often do you get physically sick?

Wedding 💒

Some view this day as one to remeber, a day for just the bride and groom declaring their love. Others see it as a trap a day they dread will happen.

I have been taught about arrange marriages, I have been to some what a TedTalk about it, and to be honest I couldn’t imagine what that would be or even feel like. A day that is meant for you and your partner. Destroyed. Only because of forced family beliefs and traditions. Also at such a young age too! the girls from the ages of when they first get their period or even younger.

Now I’m not one to go around and educate people on this topic, I really don’t know enough information to do so.

I am just thankful enough that I can go marry to who ever I want whenever I want and not have to flee the government for it.

Marriage for me is that final step of the girlfriend/boyfriend stage. In my eyes the day I will get married is when my love life is complete. Don’t get me wrong I know lots of troubles can come with the married relationship, but I live in a Fantasy world in my head most of the time so everything is perfect, just the way I like it and that’s how my day will be and go.

I’ve already planned out my wedding in my head with my current boyfriend. Haha I know I’m only 18 but it is such a dream people tell me not to rush, but it’s so exciting I want it to happen now. I’ve actually had a pinterest board of wedding stuff since I was 12.

Although my boyfriend thinks is a scam and what not. Which I have to laugh about because I completely see where he is coming from, but he also knows how much I love the idea of it and the romance will be off the charts so he’s only going to have a wedding because it’s something he knows I have always dreamed of having.

My mum got married recently (second time round) it gave me such motivation to have my own if I could I would be planning my wedding for next month. My mum was so stressed out about everything and everyone else she forgot that it was her day, but on the day everything came together and everyone had an awesome time… well I definitely did.

My question of today is, would you like to get married someday?

New Change

So I’ve started my new babysitting job! The child is a beautiful 1 year old boy who loves the outdoors.

That’s new, a child who loves to be outside … with nature. I’m used to sitting inside while the children go on the ipads or watch television, but this is new.

I am not mad about it, like hey I need to be outside more often and going to this new job makes me go outside getting roughly 8 hours of sun 3 days a week. If that isn’t improvement for my health I don’t know what is.

I am someone who loves to lay in bed all day doing nothing, just sitting on my phone. I only go outside if i need to take my rubbish out. I always sleep in till 12 or 1 in the afternoon.

Where as this new change has gotten me out of bed at 8:30am till 5:00pm and as soon as I start I’m outside with the child as we play within the grass on our soles giving a gentle tickle as each giving wand forms a cushion of green. The slight touch of monarch butterflies wings itch upon the subtle leaves on the bush. As We play outside I throw the child up to the sun as it’s warm arms reach out giving a warm hug.

I can’t wait for more to happen as this has already gone off on a good start!

the image is from pinterest, that is also from tumblr (I couldn’t find a name)

My question for you is what’s something new that’s happened to you in the past 4 months?

Ballet

There’s a sort of comfort I feel watching ballet. The music, the precise placing of the feet and body language, not only putting on a show but to take you on an adventure with the dancers.

I did ballet when I was younger, lets say around the age of 5. I didn’t do it for long, but I did it long enough to know that dancing is not for me. Although being apart of the audience doesn’t sadden me. No. In fact I prefer to watch the show, I get a slight tingle of excitement in my stomach knowing I’m going to be casted away into a daydream like land of the imagination for a couple of hours.

Here where I live we don’t get a lot of performances like these, to go dress up nicely to. That’s what makes the experience even better!

Tonight they didn’t preform one specific piece, they showed the development throughout history. They way the put everything together it makes me so what proud I almost want to cry about it. From the romance to the drama of the stories I do feel apart of it.

Picture is from pinterest by Iness.

Question today is: what era is your favourite type of dance from?

Hair 💇🏼‍♀️

The best feeling is getting your hair done! prove me wrong.

From the wash that you don’t need to do for another 3-4 days, the head massage that you get when they deep condition your hair. To the finish product where you are a new person!

As a male, I presume it would be different. Sort of like a life or death situation you have to look like for at least 2 weeks. Not knowing the end product, I don’t blame you for being nervous or scared to get your hair done.

I got my hair lighter at the bottom, and got the roots of my hair darkened. I’m going for a black to grey/white ombré, and I’ve been wanting to do it for a good couple of years now, and it’s finally happening.

I love the process, but just someone even playing with my hair doing something with it just makes me melt. The feeling is like being so relaxed you feel like you are floating as everything around you goes by so fast. Although it’s never fun paying for it. The end results are worth it though.

Picture was from pinterest by Marianne Taylor

My question today is what hair colour would you love to dye your hair?

Checking in 📝

So my life, for once has been pretty uneventful. So this is how my day went

I woke up at 8am this morning, curled my eyelashes and put on some mascara, I called a taxi and headed off to babysit. The weather was horrible. It was like a leaf blower trying to destroy everything in its way picking up plastic bags and rubbish. It was cold. When there was no wind it feel as if you’re in a tropical forrest, so humid and sticky something like being in warm honey.

The children were good, we watched toy story 2 and shrek. I haven’t seen them since I was a child myself. I was very tired from the wind screeching the roof I hardly got any sleep, but I stayed awake painfully, with a big mug of caramel latte.

it was around 11:30 I got home layed in bed and did nothing besides watch tiktok. I even made a tiktok, and so far it has 2006 views and 153 likes. Not too bad.

As for food I had an m&m biscuit for lunch and that’s it. I honestly can’t wait for dinner, to be honest I wonder what we’re having.

My patner and I were play fighting and I won… twice (he thinks that he won one). Honestly love the play fight, because I’ll have so much energy and I have nothing to do to get rid of it. You might suggest exercise, it’s actually too difficult for me to breath when doing it and my heart beat just goes into overload. So at least when I play fight with my patner we have to stop so I can actually breath haha.

Picture was from ColorWhistle, I got it off of pinterest

Comment down what you did today, was it as boring as mine?

Music is there when no one is 🎶

“There are times it feels as if the music is teaching my brain how to flow, how to be so peaceful. It’s as if the slowly changing tone touches different parts, a sort of auditory massage for my mind. It is an invitation for slowness and to feel the presence of myself, the ever patient version of me who waits to be spoken to, and is content to do so. There are times light, wind and nature do the same, yet differently, each in their own way.” – Angela Abraham

With friends or not music always fills in that empty hole no matter where you are. Personally my favourite moments with music is when you’re in a good mood and the volume is at the max and you are just bopping and vibing as the base replaces your pulse.

Music brings the best out of people, seeing how happy they can be bouncing around having fun, but that can quickly change. Music can speak when you can’t, especially when you’re upset, being weighted down by the force of gravity, chained to your bed. The only comfort you have is the voice of pain being heard through the melody, as if death is sitting next to you comforting with the harsh words of the truth.

Like movies, music has many contrasting genres to suit the different ears. From Rock to Country, from Baroque to Romantic. My favourite would either be rock or soft songs.

Comment down below what your favourite song is or favourite genre of music