Disruptive thought

I’m in my head having the best time, partying by myself pretending I have friends around we’re all drinking, listening to music, having fun.

I sit down and it stops

The realisation hits. I come back. I look around seeing no one, alcohol in my hand and the music so loud I know my neighbors are annoyed.

I look at my socials, everyone hanging out with someone. I look around me and I have no one.

I’ve been trying so hard to connect with people, Ive been trying so hard to gain and form friendships, but there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something. What’s so bad about me that no one wants me.

I always have someone around me so my thought’s don’t slip, thoughts that make death so comfortable I want to rest in it’s arms. Since I have no one most of the time I’ve create comfort characters like a child that distract me, that make me feel like I am worth something. But I’m 18 that’s not normal… I have to hide it so people don’t see me as weird and crazy

No one asks me to hang out with them and when they say we’ll do something it never happens. Or when it is going to happen of course something comes up so I can’t go. It’s like I’m not meant to have anyone, it feel like the universe does this on purpose.

I guess you can blame separation anxiety for that, not wanting people to leave and yet when they do no matter what you always feel like other relationships/friendships are forces. You’re constantly judging yourself because they’re the only person you talk to so of course they’ll get annoyed at you, so of course they’ll leave.

I got the image from Pinterest by Flickr.com

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