See with everything I do I try so hard that I need to be perfect at it. Today I let go of a job, and fun fact I only worked 4 or 5 days. I have to laugh at myself thinking that I could actually do retail part time, like there’s nothing to challenge me creatively. I really tried learning all of their codes and satisfying customers needs. It also drains me to the point where it takes 2 to 3 weeks to recover from.
If you don’t understand what I mean by recover let me give you a tour of my brain and try to relate it to you. First things first what you are dealing with for the day, you may need to pack your lunch, bring books, completed homework that you didn’t do. The list goes on and on, I have to make sure my anxiety is under control, I’m not to panicky to the point where I will have a panic attack at work, I have to make sure I’m not too sad, that I look well enough, that I just didn’t get out of bed 10 minutes before work. As well, my list goes on and on.
During work, you are exhausted from the amount of phone calls, paperwork and up coming appointments. With school you are exhausted from doing all the sports and running around you do, all the teachers you argue about your school work too. My exhaustion is from a days worth of one long anxiety attack and socialising, from the moment I wake up it starts the racing heart beat, the throbbing headache, sweaty palms and feet the shaky hands but worst of all the constant intrusive thoughts. It was even worst during school but that a later story to tell.
The thoughts I speak of consist of
- Did you walk properly
- Were your knees straight when you walked
- Was your posture straight
- Did you smile
- Is your breathing even
- Breath through your nose and close your mouth
- Why did you say the word like that
- Stop doing that its weird
- They’re looking at you in disgust see what you did
Sadly those are the nice ones some are violent and cruel but I can’t stop them. So that is my example of what I mean by I need to recover. As much this is drains me mentally it majorly effects me physically as well.
But nothing will ever be the same, thoughts, people and places they change everyday. My change is going backwards I’m going back to doing babysitting, now that is a job I love and enjoy. I don’t know why I changed actually, but I did. It was probably for the better, just to make me realise how I can’t do a ‘normal’ job, 30 hours a week of constant pain and agony of being apart of retail. Ha, I have more creative things to do such as this blog and learning about the minds of children as I look after them.
I guess my question for you today is what job did you hate doing most, and why? this could also be as simple as house chores or school homework.